Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Just a quick note to update my readers. I was recently hospitalized yet again for severe dehydration. I waited too long to go to the ER and felt like death was upon me when I arrived. Still a bit weak however slowly recovering.

I have been putting off essential repairs to my laptop however it absolutely MUST be taken care of now before my warranty is void. So, depending upon how long these repairs take I will be offline for a short while. I have committed to getting back to at least one blog post per week minimum once I have my computer returned.

Until then, take care and stay well,

Sunday, September 27, 2009


**Everyone** PLEASE have a look at this site doing a wonderful thing for me:0) They sell Healthy Chocolate! They are doing fundraising for me! I could not believe it and how helpful and generous they have been! I have read and watched videos about it myself and it is pretty amazing stuff. Please take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with the benefits of this product. If you wish to try it or learn more about it please contact Guy by email or telephone as per

It will help with certain types of treatment not covered by OHIP such as acupuncture and traveling etc. to such treatments. The other benefit is a possible 'new job' for me. Those of you that know me, know that I have been unsuccessful at returning to my nursing job, a job I dearly loved. Another benefit of this fundraising is that if it does well, I will be able to become an 'independent' and sell it myself. There are some start up costs involved, minimal mind you but when you are disabled, unable to work and have little income it seems a lot. I would love the opportunity to sell this great product myself and I think it may go a long way in helping me mend from the loss of a beloved job.

This is certainly not a sales pitch nor any pressure to purchase. Please do not feel obligated in anyway...only to treat it as any other fundraiser that you feel would be worthwhile. I would truly appreciate any assistance you could offer at this attempt in fundraising.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read.

**I will be back soon with the promised nerve block article-as a matter of fact I am traveling yet again to the specialist for another one. Be back soon.

Take care and stay well,

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


I know I stated that my next blog post would be about nerve blocks and in fact the one following this will be rather than vice versa. There are a couple of reasons why I have changed the order a little. 1) For me, my blog at times is a method to purge things that are bothering me, similar to why a person may write a journal. 2) I have had many people asking me how I am coping with my return to work and this post will certainly answer that question.

Several weeks ago, I received a visit from a very pleasant lady at WSIB and her job is to assist the injured worker in returning to work. She is to formulate a plan and remove the real or potential obstacles to a successful return to work. I liked her, truly I did, still do in fact. She seemed to be a very caring individual and I was pleased to finally be treated well by someone at WSIB. I will admit, I was rather unnerved and pretty much scared to death at returning after an almost 2 year absence. However, never afraid of a challenge, I agreed to return and try my best.I always give everything I attempt my very best. Bottom line, I have tried with everything I had in me. But, I am failing...miserably.

As soon as I return from work each day, I immediately go to bed. I remain there until around dinner time and stay up until it is time for my son to go to bed. At which point, I too return to bed. The increase in pain subsequent to the increased activity has again lead to a lack of restful sleep. Then of course the fatigue sets in and ensures that my pain feels worse than ever. It is a horribly vicious circle that I have found myself entangled in many times since the injury occurred.

As the months have flown by, I found myself feeling more and more useless. I did want to return, simply to perhaps feel like a functioning human being again. The saddest part is that, despite stating so, my employer does not really have any “light duty” work. They are a nursing agency and all of the work takes place in the community. This unfortunately, left me sitting in a chair, reading the same literature repeatedly day after day. Without a source of distraction, my pain was absolutely horrible. I need to be distracted on some level, otherwise I feel every pain elevated to an intolerable level and I watch the clock.

It was then decided that I would go out to the community with the other nurses. I was thrilled at that prospect if for no other reason than to get out of the office. My reaction to these “outings” shocked me more than I could ever explain. Due to my injury and limited ability, basically I was just watching and doing paper work. I actually did a couple of blood pressures and respiratory assessments, however beyond that, I felt like the fifth wheel. As I mentioned many times before, I loved my job. From the bottom of my heart and soul that is the God’s honest truth. Nursing never felt like work to me and my entire identity was and is wrapped around being a nurse.

I thought I had resigned myself to the fact that I would no longer be able to carry out the nursing activities that in the past were simply second nature to me. I sobbed each time I arrived home after being out in the community. I choked it back while out but let loose at home. It was the type of sobbing that seems to come up from the feet. A deep painful cry of an injured animal is how I sounded. There it was, in my face, black and white: I can no longer do these basic nursing tasks. I will never be able to return to regular nursing duties and the job I so loved. Clearly, I had not accepted this reality. I don’t want to accept it. Yet, outside of a miracle occurring, it is that very reality that slapped me in the face.

I want my old life back. I am tired of suffering with pain 24/7. I want to be like healthy people that get up each morning and go to work and lead productive lives. It breaks my heart that I found the career that made me feel as though I was not “working.” (Find a job that you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.) I had that and I recognized just how fortunate I was to have found it. All that I ever wanted was to make a difference in the lives of others with my time here on earth. I was. I did. I made a difference to my patients. I cared and they knew it. I truly could not imagine a more fulfilling and important career on the planet. I had it all in front of me and now, I simply can not do it. God help me, I just can’t.

Now, you can be sure that WSIB will not take the same view as I. They think that pain or no pain I must return. Pain is subjective and therefore non-measurable and this means that my pain is not a factor in any decision-making. Unfortunately, subjective or not-it is my reality. So much so that when I push myself as I have been doing recently, I vomit. Violently. My body is screaming-“I hurt and STOP what you are doing.” But instead of heeding, I kept pushing. I have done my best to put my head down and trudge through the pain and do what I have been instructed to do but now I am waving the white flag. I know this will mean going back to struggling to feed my son due to no money, however, I haven't a choice now. I am not much of a gambler, I prefer sure things, however, I’ve given it my all regardless of what any adjudicator or board believes and now I must stop pushing myself. It is time to “fold em and walk away.” Walk away...Walk and not run, simply because I can no longer run. :0(

Kenny Rogers: The Gambler
You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin when the dealins done.

Take care and stay well,
J X0

Sunday, August 30, 2009


Firstly, I must apologize for being an absentee much has happened lately and with my poor health, I have simply been exhausted.

Please come back soon for my article on nerve blocks. I recently received one that I plan to discuss in detail. This will be of real interest to anyone with chronic pain.

Take care & stay well,

Sunday, August 2, 2009


I know I am very overdue for a new blog post among other things...I spent a frustrating week or so off-line, unable to determine why my wireless connection did not work on my laptop. Due to my pain level, I can not sit in the computer chair to work on the PC, so I generally lie or sit in bed with the laptop. That is until it would not work. As it turns out, there is a function key that will turn off or on the laptop's ability to connect to a wireless signal.

I had read that perhaps there was a switch on it. There was not. I tried every key on the keyboard, hoping I did not further mess it up. I did. Even my owner's manual did not tell me how to remedy the issue. Useless book! I never said I was a tech-type person...however, my eldest son, Brian called to talk and when I told him of my issues, he suggested a certain key along with the shift button and voila, I was back.
I did not realize what an internet addiction I had until I could not participate in my usual online activities. So glad to be back!

On another note, those of you that know me from Facebook, will have noticed I am no longer there either. A few weeks ago, my Facebook account was hacked and some nasty criminal posing as me, began asking my friends for money. Luckily no one fell for it but in my panic rather than change passwords etc. I deleted my account and have since been unable to access Facebook. I may try again in the future but for now, I have been frustrated enough with good old Facebook. It is not bad enough that my account was allowed to be compromised but then, it is all but impossible to find someone to talk to about it at Facebook or any help at all with gaining access to my old or a new account.

So, I will return very shortly with a "real" blog post-until then, I wanted everyone to know what had happened.

Take care & stay well,

Thursday, July 16, 2009


Most people are aware of the potential power of the mind & in particular the role of the 'power of positive thinking' to make changes in a specific area of one's life. This belief has been around for years, even before the book "The Power of Positive Thinking" came to be, up until present day. The popularity of the "The Secret" and the role the Law of Attraction can play in life is not a new concept either. But do you believe in this theory and more specifically, can positive thinking help play a role in pain management?

Personally, I believe the human mind holds immense power of such an intensity that we as mere mortals, lack the ability to fully comprehend. In my 20 years of nursing, I have seen many people basically give-up, lie down & die because a doctor had given them a poor prognosis and they believed it lock, stock & barrel. That is one of the reasons I think it is a huge mistake to give a patient an answer to the question: "How much time do I have?" There is no answer to that question, simply because no one knows exactly when we will die...Does this mean that all serious illness will not lead to death? Of course not. I am not saying that all disease can be cured with the power of the mind, although it certainly plays an important role. Simply put, positive thinking plays a large role & no one should ever give someone a time limit on how long they will live.

There have been many documented cases of people dying exactly to the day after a doctor had stated how long they had to live. Therefore, if we can be told how much time we have left and internalize it so much that it becomes reality-so then we should be able to affect change in a positive manner as well.

I know that on the days when my pain is particularly overwhelming, I feel worse in every way possible...physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and so on. Feeling worse also leads to vocalizing just how tired I am of suffering. This just perpetuates the negative thought cycle and the pain seems to remain at a heightened level for an extended period of time. However, if I am in a somewhat positive mood, or even a neutral mood & distracted, working on an article for example, I am also aware that the pain does not 'seem' as severe.

The very fact that there is a lot of research being done regarding the deleterious effects of stress on our health, should clearly indicate that our thoughts & emotions play a large role in our health. We need to have a positive mind-set in general to accomplish the goals we set for ourselves. This is the exact reason why 'life coaches' are so popular now. It is easy to set goals, it is another story to actually stay positively on task as we attempt to accomplish them. We, as human beings seem to struggle with the concept of positive thinking and actually remaining positive when what we strive for does not immediately arrive. Most of us, have real trouble delaying gratification.

I have personally tried "positive thinking" to control my pain, many times in fact. The problem being however, I backslide rather quickly when I do not see immediate results. One of the ways to combat this and remain in the positive thinking mind-set is to participate in a treatment known as: Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). This therapy aims to stop the negative self-talk related to past experiences & instead replace it with a more positive, "living in the moment" type attitude. When it comes to coping with chronic pain, living in the moment is essential. The moment you begin obsessing about a future filled with pain you feel immediately defeated.

We may not be able to take away our suffering & the chronic pain we deal with each and every day, however, positive thinking clearly plays a very large role in how we cope with it. Above & beyond dealing with chronic pain via analgesics, it is definitely worthwhile to search out each & every alternative treatment available including psychological help. Treatments such as CBT may be exactly what you need to say: "I THINK, THEREFORE I AM *NOT* IN PAIN.

Wishing you a positive thinking, pain-free day,

Monday, July 6, 2009


I didn't expect to be posting again so soon, however I found something that I think may amuse those of you with chronic illness/chronic pain etc.

I did not have my sad green eyes open even three minutes this morning when that nasty silver jagged ball began spinning through my field of vision. For those of you that don't know much about migraines, what I experienced is called an aura. I have not had a migraine in a year, actually almost a year to the day. I used to get them frequently but after an entire year passed, I had thought they were gone for know what thought did??? Silly naive fool...

Now then, back to the reason for this post: I decided to surf the net, looking for things to distract myself from the vise so tightly squeezing my brain and came upon The article entitled YOU KNOW YOU HAVE CHRONIC ILLNESS WHEN.... actually had me laughing out loud despite the pain in my head. I thought perhaps my fellow sufferers could also enjoy a good laugh.

Take care everyone-hope it makes you giggle,

Saturday, July 4, 2009


Unless you have been living under a rock, no doubt you have heard about the death of Michael Jackson and the issue of his death being related to narcotic abuse. To top it off, there has also been a recommendation via the FDA committee to decrease the amount of acetaminophen allowed per day and further to also take combination drugs such as Vicodin and Percocet off the market.

Michael Jackson is certainly not the 1st celebrity to die as a result of narcotic abuse and he will likely not be the last. As sad and tragic as his death is, all of the controversy has only fostered a terrible fear in those that suffer with legitimate chronic pain, myself included.

Previous to my workplace injury, I did not have so much as a bottle of Tylenol or even aspirin in my home. As a teenager, I did not take drugs of any sort and did not allow myself to be influenced by peer pressure. That attitude carried on through to adulthood. Now, however, as a sufferer of chronic pain 24/7, without my medication, I can not function at all. In fact, without it, I can not get out of bed or even out of the fetal position as a result of the horrid pain. It has also lead to depression that I struggle with and has brought me to the point of feeling suicidal. Really scary stuff...

I have never been the type of person to even remotely contemplate ending my life, however, the pain is so very consuming that it drains the life right out of me. Anyone that suffers with chronic pain will understand exactly what I am saying. I do not wish to take these analgesics, and in fact wish I didn't need to, however the reality is, if I do not I have no quality of life whatsoever. Now, I as well as many others, risk losing access to the medications that allow us to somewhat function, and that my dear readers scares me to death, literally!

I have to assume that there is the potential for determining a method to ensure better safety with regard to taking narcotics. There has always been and will likely continue to be those whose only goal is to get "high" off of these drugs. Those with real pain however, their only goal is to obtain relief from the unrelenting pain that they live with daily. I have never felt the so called 'high' that others chase after. I have often said I wished I did, at least then I'd be enjoying myself amid all the suffering...Bottom line though-I simply just want relief from the pain.

I think with all of the issues surrounding these meds, it is about time that more research was done. Why not work toward finding an effective method of pain control that does not have all of the side-effects, including addiction. If there was a medication that decreased my pain and did not have the potential for addiction or any other side-effect, I would be first in line to try it.

There should also be stricter safe-guards put in place to make sure that those taking these drugs are taking them exactly as prescribed. I have never been asked to give blood or urine to assess the level of narcotics in my body. I would however, have no objection to being asked to do this. It certainly would be a great way to "weed out" those whose only goal is to get "high." It would be easy to tell if they were hiding something based upon their reaction to being asked to supply a blood or urine sample.

Clearly, I don't have all the answers and I don't know what the resolution is to this growing problem. I do believe though that if some effort was put into it, positive changes could be implemented without the risk of those suffering with chronic pain losing access to the meds that allow them quality of life. Anyone with chronic pain knows that it effects each and every facet of their lives and the meds that allow them some relief are ESSENTIAL. Without access to them, I have no doubt that the suicide rate would increase exponentially...

Be back soon. Until then take care and I wish for you-*good pain control* :>)

Sunday, June 28, 2009


Thus far, I have written everything myself on my blog. However, I came upon this article entitled: "Five Simple Words to Keep Chronic Illness at Bay" written by Madeleine Parish, and liked it so much that I would love the readers of my blog to see it. I also loved the graphic above, those with chronic illness will recognize some if not all of the insensitive things people say to those with a chronic illness.

Be back soon,

Saturday, June 20, 2009


I have been invited to submit a letter to my thyroid via this funny and interesting site.

My "Dear Thyroid" letter can now be found here.

(Ok, my dear readers, so I know that was silly...but I do really miss my thyroid
Can you tell?)
Be back soon,

Monday, June 15, 2009


I read a statistic recently that stated the divorce rate is 75% where a chronic illness is present in either the husband or wife. This statistic originates from the National Health Interview Survey and is found all over the internet and beyond. Frankly, those results scare the hell out of me! Clearly, when "in sickness and in health" turns into just sickness, the stress on the marriage is enormous.

Of course, when we marry, we are bleary eyed and naive and never think about things like that. We will always be blissfully in love and nothing will ever change that...then in roars chronic illness. At that point, the chronic nature of the illness rewrites the script of your relationship. Roles change and plans for the future fall by the wayside. Every aspect of your marriage is effected: work and finances, chores, social life and sex are all different. Nothing looks the way it started out and the stress upon the marriage becomes overwhelming.

I met my husband while on vacation in Jamaica, several months after the suicide of my 1st husband. The last thing I was looking for was a relationship. But...I fell hard and fast, I was so madly in love and knew immediately that I had just met the man of my dreams, the person that I would spend many happy years with. There were several wonderful years, and then everything changed. Don't get me wrong, my husband still loves me dearly, as I do him, however, the stress on our marriage can no longer be hidden. We never fought, not ever, and people would jokingly state that our marriage made them "sick" as we were always lovingly gazing at each other and never would a cruel word leave our lips.

My husband states that he understands, and always bends over backward to try and help me with absolutely everything. The problem is however, his entire focus is me and doing all that he can for me, all the time. This approach has simply just worn him ragged, he is beyond exhausted in every way and I feel guilty...very guilty. I tell him very often that he should leave and find someone else to spend his life with, someone healthy. My intent is not a cruel one, simply that I love him and want him to live a normal life, one without all this extra stress and heartache. He gets very angry when I say that. I simply just feel that he did not "sign on for this" and being stuck with a sick wife is just not fair.

My husband has been coping fairly well, up until recently that is. Now, his stress level has peaked to the point where we are at risk for ending up as part of that 75% divorce rate statistic. He has tried to do it all, taking up the slack for me and he simply can not do it anymore. There needs to be better coping strategies put in place so that he can continue to cope and I can find a way to not feel so guilty for the extra stress put upon him. I have searched long and hard for methods to cope and have found a couple of things so far. This article and this one.

Above and beyond that--I think perhaps couples counselling may be helpful too. I have a hard time accepting and coping myself, but for my husband, he needs just as much, if not more support than I do. Here's to all the loving caregivers out there that do their very best to be supportive spouses to their ill partners!


Thursday, June 4, 2009


Clearly from a couple of my recent posts, it is apparent that I had reached a very bad place. A very dark place where all hope was gone and surely to never return. Losing hope is a very dangerous place to be...however yesterday, I came to realize that there is still reason to hope.

I saw a new doctor, who is an MD/Chiropractor. Before even speaking with him, I noticed a large poster in his waiting room that jumped right out at me. It was divided into 3 parts. The 1st: a picture of someone holding an enormous handful of pills, the 2nd: a picture of a surgeon holding a scalpel, and 3rd: a picture of a doctor providing a treatment that states: "I won't prescribe meds to mask symptoms,I won't do surgery that can worsen your condition, MY GOAL IS TO FIND THE PROBLEM AND FIX IT." Imagine that, someone that wants to try and FIX the problem, what a novel idea...

He did a scan of my entire back, muscles, nerves, spinal cord/vertebrae etc. This initally had the potential to devastate me even further, as the results were bad! Really bad, even worse than he or I had initially thought. I did at least derive a better understanding of why my pain is so horrid and uncontrolled, and as he explained it all to me, I was fighting back the tears yet again...

I have been so emotionally fragile lately, bordering on suicidal that I was profoundly scared to hear anymore bad news. However, I struggled to get one sentence out. "Can you help me and fix it?" He said YES!!! Now, I am not so gullible to not recognize that he could possibly just be telling me what exactly what I wanted to hear, however what he explained next is what gave me my hope back.

He explained of course that he would do his very best which is always a nice thing to hear. He stated that he has seen several people with scans almost exactly like mine. All of them had a significant decrease in their pain after his treatment. While I may be somewhat unrealistic in wanting to be 100% pain-free, he assured me that he would be able to make a very noticeable decrease in my suffering. The pain has been so horrific that any decrease in pain would be wonderful, and so I have kicked my negativity and giving-up mindset to the curb and am positively focused on whatever amount of recovery I can obtain.

Where the hope snuck back in was in the fact that I have only gotten worse over the past year or so, with no improvement whatsoever and nothing but bad news over and over again. Now, no matter the percentage of improvement, I know that it will result in a decrease of some amount of my suffering. I'd love 100% recovery, even 50%however, 5%, 10% or whatever it may end up being, it is at least a measure of improvement rather than continuing to go downhill.

It does unfortunately mean a one hour drive there and another hour back, but I would go to the ends of the earth for any amount of relief. I will continue to post updates about my treatment and recovery that may offer hope to someone else going through the same thing and in the meantime it sure is great to say: HELLO AGAIN HOPE, I'M SO GLAD YOU'VE COME BACK...
J :>)

Saturday, May 30, 2009


Recently, I posted a message to the Injured Workers All Across Canada site and unfortunately, it was not a very nice one. In my last blog post, I spoke of acceptance and I do believe I pushed myself a bit too quickly in attempting to accept what has happened. I do still realize that acceptance is paramount if I am to move on, however, now I think it needs to be accomplished in baby steps.

I had a meltdown, a major meltdown. I was ready to throw in the towel and give up, I had my plan, all in place, and 2 minutes before I completed it, I called my husband home from work instead. Chronic pain has the ability to make a person go mad, literally. If you combine that with the abuse of WSIB you have yourself a recipe for disaster. I still can not believe how in Canada, a compassionate country, our government allows this to go on. I actually read a statistic recently that stated people with chronic pain are 50% more likely to commit suicide. Now, being on the receiving end of a suicide, I know the resultant pain it causes, yet, I was in a very dark place. It is the compounding effect of pain, WSIB abuse, financial stress, marital issues related to the stress of it all and just plain old exhaustion.

I am not there now, however,I am profoundly aware that I remain at risk. I am taking the steps I need to take in order to cope with it all and meanwhile, I am so grateful for the people with chronic pain and/or workplace injuries that have provided such caring support. I do now commit to putting my energy into fighting these WSIB SOBs and not allowing them to take me to that very dark place again!


Monday, May 25, 2009


To Jeanne-For opening my eyes to what I need to do next, Thank you.

I just realized, as in the last few days, that I had not reached a point of acceptance yet regarding my injury, illness and chronic pain. I was mentally fighting it every step of the way, because to me acceptance made it real. So real that I did not want to see the reality of just how much my life has changed.

I was looking at pictures of myself before it all happened, when I was strong, healthy and able to take on the world. I was thinking about how I would work out in the gym 5 or 6 days a week, go to school, hold down 2 jobs and take care of my children, the house etc. I just realized that instead of praying for a miracle and asking for my "old" life back, I should have been asking for strength and acceptance. This inability to look at my life realistically left me frozen in place, a stalemate between me and reality. No wonder I could not move forward. I was stuck in the past. Literal inertia!

All human unhappiness comes from not facing reality squarely, exactly as it is. ~Buddha

I have one person to thank for this new realization, a lovely woman named Jeanne who has suffered with chronic illness for 27 years. I came upon her via Twitter and not only is she fantastically supportive but she wrote several statements that have been ringing through my head ever since she sent them, three in particular 1)Everything happens for a reason, 2)Your years as a nurse were NOT wasted. No one can take that life experience away from you no matter what! I know it's hard! 3)Takes time to adapt to situation, grieve the losses, find the new purpose. But you can do it! I can already tell that. You are stronger than you probably think.

1) I too believe that everything happens for a reason, I was just so stuck that I could not open myself up to it.

2) I was feeling as though my years of nursing and related education were a waste, if I was no longer able to practise nursing. I now see that it was a spectacular learning experience. I learned so much from my fellow human beings about suffering, particularly in the face of adversity. I saw grace at the most of devastating diagnosis'. I learned how to be compassionate and sympathetic. Which are clearly wonderful attributes to have!

3) I refused to grieve for my lost life, career and future. I now see that I will never find my new purpose until I go through that phase of grief, albeit painful it is a necessary evil in order to move on. Yes, Jeanne, you are right, I am stronger than I think. I have experienced some pretty dreadful things in my life and I got through them. The suicide of my 1st husband and business bankruptcy leading to homelessness and hunger just to name a few. I survived it, it was tough but I did. I know I will survive this too.

May everyone reach this sense of acceptance,

Friday, May 22, 2009


To those taking the time to read my blog-thank you so very much for taking time out of your busy day to read my thoughts. I appreciate each and every one of you.

Please leave me comments on any of the posts, so that I can determine if I am on the right track with what I post.

Thank you again to everyone. Please keep coming back! I'll do my best to post interesting topics.


Tuesday, May 19, 2009


Up until this point, I have not written much about my workplace injury and subsequent dealings with the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board, herein known as WSIB. The simple reason for my avoidance of this touchy subject is that the topic upsets me terribly. I'm talking rapid heart-rate, sweaty palms, I think I might vomit kind of upset. I'm not the only one either. A simple google search will bring up thousands, or rather hundreds of thousands of sites indicating the exact same experience with these so called, 'worker's compensation boards'. I use the word compensation lightly as compensate they most certainly DO NOT. Torture and emotionally beat down, yes, but compensate definitely not.

Back early in the 1900's these boards were developed to assist injured workers but today they are nothing more than insurance companies hell bent on denying claims and saving money. They do everything in their power to search for even the slightest of inaccuracies that they can use against the injured worker and use it they do. Until I had to deal with them, I had no idea just how cruel and cold-hearted they could really be. My initial conversation with my adjudicator was lovely. She informed me that she was there to help me and do everything within her power to assist in my recovery and return to work. Hell yes, she was great, awesome in fact. She would ensure that I was offered every resource available, I was not to worry my pretty little head, she would have everything taken care of and I was to simply focus on my recovery. Sounds wonderful doesn't it? Well, it was wonderful, for the first couple of weeks. Even my employer was great for the first few weeks. Then everyone did an about-face and turned on me like they do every injured worker.

They assume everyone is a fraud. There is no innocent until proven guilty are just guilty and playing up your injury. But who in their right mind would set themselves up for such torture if they didn't have to? Trust me, if I were able, I would be back a work, immediately. I have my nursing, university undergrad community health, plus every nursing and health related course available. I have been a nurse for 20 years and loved every minute of it. If I could I would be there in a heartbeat! Without it, I feel empty.

My physician filled out a report August of 2008 stating my limitations and that if I were to attempt modified duty yet again, I was to have a place to lie down and rest when the pain became too much. It was faxed to my employer with a cover page specifically asking if they could provide this. I heard nothing. Not a hi, goodbye or kiss my arse. I was basically ignored for the past 9 months with of course no lost wages or back-pay being offered.

Recently, I asked my lawyer to formulate a letter stating that I have done everything by the book and they have pretty much ignored me. Well, that did it. My employer called today for the 1st time in 9 months asking for another report stating my limitations. The doctor wrote exactly the same thing as last time and so here I wait, wondering if they will accomodate me. They are actually required by law to provide any accomodations necessary to allow me to return. They were after all the ones that ignored the danger in my workplace that lead to this injury. The problem is, in my tiny little town here, we also have a tiny little satellite office that barely houses 2 desks. Where they would put a cot or bed is beyond me. I would only be doing paperwork and other light duties anyhow. As far as nursing goes, I will never work as a nurse again, and that my dear readers, breaks my heart! If they only knew...or cared.

I'll return shortly with an update as to what they plan to do with me next.

Until then, take care and PLEASE don't get injured on the job,

Saturday, May 16, 2009



Something else in research news to look forward to. The latest study indicates that those with fibromyalgia (or any type of chronic pain) seem to develop a problem with shrinking of the brain. Actually, that explains a lot. I thought my brain fog was caused by suffering and poor sleep 24/7, when in fact, my brain may be shrinking.

I am trying this new thing...Working on looking for the positive in a negative. Now, it is a little difficult to come up with some positives related to my shrinking brain, however the following is my good old college try:

1) The next time I do something outlandishly stupid, I have a legitimate excuse-"I'm sorry, please forgive my stupidity, but my brain is shrinking."

2) If I ever experience brain trauma that results in a brain bleed, there is more room in my skull now and therefore extra area for expansion that those with a normal brain do not have. Normally, time is of the essence to relieve the pressure on the brain and avoid permanent brain damage. With my shrinking brain however, the doctors will have more time. How's that for thinking positive??

3) If my brain shrinks enough, I may actually become eligible for disability benefits.

4) My last and personal favorite positive, there will be many more interesting adjectives available to describe me:


The article explains the loss of gray matter was three times greater in fibromyalgia patients than in normal test subjects. A lovely explanation that adds insult to injury, we sure are a lucky bunch us chronic pain sufferers!

Of course, I'm teasing, but one needs to keep their sense of humour when dealing with WSIB or any worker's compensation board! Laugh or you will go crazy...
Here's to thinking positive,

Monday, May 11, 2009

Tribute to Jonathan White--Inspiration in the Least Expected Places

**Here it is July 21, 2009 and I am very sad, or rather very disturbed about what I have just heard. I have been informed that this fellow-Jonathan White that I wrote about being such an inspiration to those of us with chronic illness, was in fact a hoax.

It is absolutely disgusting that someone would play on the emotions of caring people in an attempt to receive money. On one hand, it was a bit of a relief, simply because my heart just broke for the suffering of this young man. On the other hand I can not believe the things people will do to dupe others out of their money. It's just shameful!!!

He had such a following on Twitter, many people each and everyday supporting him through his supposed illness, myself included. I started following him after I received a message from Demi Moore asking everyone to follow and support Jonathan. This blog post was dedicated to him, his struggles and his strength. I pondered whether to remove this post entirely rather than just add to it. But I believe it is important to leave it simply because of the impact this nonsense could have on those with REAL serious diseases.

If those caring people that gave of their hard-earned money get duped often enough by criminals such as this, perhaps they will think twice about giving in the future in fear that it is yet another hoax. I would like to say I am not surprised but truly I am. You can not go any LOWER than to pull on the heart-strings of people and tell them a tale about a young fellow suffering with brain cancer. Blows my mind it does...I just can't get over how low people will go. WOW is all I can say!


Any individual that deals with a chronic health issue day after day realizes just how difficult it is to be positive on their bad days. Most strive every moment for the ability to put everything into perspective based upon the major health problems they must cope with. Today, like most days, my pain is uncontrolled, despite taking enough pain meds to put down a large horse, some days it just doesn't cut it. I'd love to complain but I will not.

Instead I will focus on someone else. Lately, I have found the greatest inspiration on twitter by following a young fellow:@jonthanjay aka Jonathan White. I truly never expected to be so inspired by someone close to 30 years my junior, yet inspire me he has, deeply. Despite living with cancer which is a struggle I also unfortunately know well, his posts NEVER contain complaints. It is rather amazing really, he has every right to complain, yet his posts are always pleasantly upbeat and positive as he truly lives the 'livestrong' mantra.
My last Twitter comment to him was: "I truly marvel at your positive attitude-you are an example to us all.Take care of yourself, I pray for you often."
I pray for this young man several times a day. As the mother of 3 boys, my heart just breaks for his family. He has a list of over 100 things he wants to do before he dies. In my prayers for Jonathan, I pray for a complete recovery so that he may accomplish all on his list and moreI sincerely believe in the power of prayer. Let us all, members of the human race, pray for this young man's full recovery. We need more young people in the world with attitudes like his. All the best to you Jonathan--you and your family will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Saturday, May 9, 2009


Living with a chronic health issue can be very challenging, which I unfortunately have found out over the last couple of years. The multi-faceted difficulties effect every area of ones life in a primarily negative way. I must say though, I am deeply grateful that my issues occurred at this time in history, when the internet was available. There are so many resources that never would have been accessible only a few short years ago. Information on every aspect from the underlying pathology to support groups to social networking are now available at ones fingertips.

Until I began searching, I had no idea there were so many individuals not only living with chronic health problems but also available to reach out to others in need. Yes, the world can be a pretty nasty place sometimes, filled with suffering and pain, however, just to know others are there caring and dealing with the same problems seems to lighten the heavy burden.

Thank you to all the angels out there that despite their own suffering, take the time out of their day to provide support to their fellow human beings.


Friday, May 8, 2009

Oh How I Miss Nursing

As a community nurse for almost 20 years, my career choice and my identity basically became fused. That is until the injury. As the days, weeks and months pass me by, I miss it more and more.

I absolutely loved my job. There really is no higher calling or other career choice that has the potential to have such an impact or to make a difference in an individuals' life. As a nurse, I saw people at their most vulnerable. Some were simply recovering from a surgery, some had chronic health issues and some were dying. Even those in the last stages of their lives were rewarding to treat, sad yes and difficult at times, but rewarding. To be able to provide physical, emotional and spiritual care to someone as they pass on is life-changing. It changed me, forever.
I recently entered Smith Magazine, 6 Word Memoirs where you are to basically provide your essence in 6 words. Mine was: "Injured Nurse Disabled and Profoundly Sad." What more can I say? I miss my patients, it makes me sad.

See if you can write your memoir in 6 words.

Creative Visualization & The Spoon Theory

On the days that my ill health gets the best of me, I imagine a place of serenity and do my best to picture myself there. This type of visualization is helpful in controlling the chronic pain I suffer with. Also, one of the best sites on the net for those with chronic illness is: 'But You Don't Look Sick' The site has many great articles and one in particular that I love called "The Spoon Theory." It is useful to explain to others how difficult life with a chronic illness can be. It is written by the site owner Christine Miserandino, and is very well done.

If you have a chronic illness and/or chronic pain picture your idea of paradise and try creative visualization.

Grieving Over My Missing Gland

Just a quick thought for the morning, my imparting of wisdom-
ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, DO NOT HAVE YOUR THYROID REMOVED UNTIL YOU HAVE EXHAUSTED EVERY POSSIBLE ALTERNATIVE. It is far too important a gland and when you no longer have it, life becomes a struggle. I have been through hell since mine was removed 4 years ago.

Till we meet again,

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Need Fundraising Plan

Posting twice in one day....double wow.

I lost my teeth several months ago due to the radiation exposure after cancer treatment and since then, I've hardly eaten and have not left the house...I really need a plan on how to go about getting permanent implants, when I am so poor. I hate these dentures more than I can express and have never used them. I need ideas outside of winning the lottery, well, ok winning the lottery would be great too.
I need a plan, anyone?

Two Days in a Row.....WOW

I said it would be a few days and yet here I am again. Imagine that. Could not help it as in my last post I spoke of Revenue Canada and my procrastination in contacting them...Guess what happens when you do that? They go ahead and decide where they will get their money and just take it; in this case I will not have a pension again until I am about 95 or so. Ah well, now I don't need to keep the telephone ringer off any longer.

Other than that, it is simply just Thursday with nothing really new except the results of my foolish procrastination. I think I will go visit twitter and read Jann Arden's tweets, she always makes me laugh, a lot! Just love her.

See you soon,

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The Queen of Procrastination & Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Every few months or so, I commit to making regular entries to this blog among other things and yet here I am again, procrastinating. What the heck is wrong with me? When I decide to put my mind to something, I keep going with my head down until it is complete. That is not the issue here. Finding the motivation to get started on something is my problem.

For instance, I owe Revenue Canada due to working part time and collecting EI after a lengthy illness. However, EI does not take enough tax off and here I sit with the huge debt, and no idea how I will ever pay it. I do need to call them, but I haven 't yet, simply because I have no clue as to what I could offer them. If WSIB (Workplace Safety and Insurance Board) would pay the $15,000.00 they presently owe me, I could. Gee, I wonder if Revenue Canada could exert some influence on WSIB. Nah, forget that one. I don't think anyone could except the Lord himself. WSIB is operated by lucifer in the flesh, intent on destroying lives like mine.

Recently, as in the last several months, I have been having these odd dreams. Not the passionate, gorgeous man dreams that would be fun. I would rather be dreaming about Jonathan Rhys Meyers-(see photo, OH BABY). They are dreams about my health and employment...In my dreams almost every night; I am healthy, strong and back at work. Then I wake up disappointed when I realize that I will never work as a nurse again due to a workplace injury. It reminds me of when I read Christopher Reeve's book about how he would dream that he was able-bodied after his paralysis. Why do people dream things that can not be? When I wake up I feel even more upset that I am basically stuck in this body that responds as a 90 year olds would. Actually, I know some 90 year olds that are doing better than I.

My procrastinating has gotten the best of me lately as I was at the point where I made up my mind that I would attempt writing as my new career. But, I have done nothing to foster any forward motion. The days, weeks and months just keep flying by without accomplishment. How to pull myself out of this rut has become a burning question. I know disabled people have fulfilled lives. I know it is possible, right? So, where to start...I need to make a living at something that is legal. Sure wish someone had the magic bullet, or simply just a bullet.

Well, the queen of procrastination will at least try to continue updating her blog more regularly. See you in a few months, er ah, I mean a few days.
P.S. I know, I know, this post was about my issues with procrastination and yet there is a picture of Jonathan Rhys Meyers. You can't blame me for that, he is unbelievably easy on the eyes don't you think? Besides, now I have an excuse to look at him whenever I work on my blog. (I really am happily married, but a girl can swoon, er, ah I mean can look can't she?)

Monday, January 5, 2009

The Cruelty of People Regarding John Travolta's Son Jett

When I first heard of the death of Jett Travolta, the son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston this past week I felt an awful pain in my soul. I don't know them and in fact I have nothing whatsoever in common with them other than also being a parent. I went to his website to offer my condolences. Although they will likely never read it and it will not mean much to them, my heart truly hurt for the pain they are now experiencing.

There is absolutely, truly without a doubt NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING worse that could ever happen to any one of us than to lose a child. It is my greatest fear and I know that if it ever happened to me I would be destroyed beyond repair. This is from where my sympathy arises.
It is just the proof that it matters not how much money you have, whether you are a celebrity or not, dreadfully tragic things can happen to you.

I honestly have never purchased a tabloid in my 42 years on the planet and I NEVER will. I have also never bought in to the idea of putting celebrities up on a pedestal and worshipping them. They are simply people just like us, except they happen to have a job that involves entertaining our sorry asses. In my present ill state, I watch many, many movies and I appreciate the fact that I can be entertained by actors and escape into a different world for a couple of hours.

I for one think they deserve to have a life with privacy and if I had the power, the paparazzi would be outlawed. It is criminal the way they stalk actors. I personally do not understand how they get away with what they do, as they are nothing more than stalkers and most definitely NOT journalists. I would go absolutely crazy if I had them in my face ever step I took and I suspect that for virtually everyone on the planet, if your life was viewed under a microscope each and every day; trust me, you would not enjoy the outcome.

Presently on the internet there are numerous comments on articles, blogs etc. slamming Jett's parents for being scientologists, outright blaming them for his death, so much so that I almost felt sick to my stomach. I am not a scientologist, however, what about: "thou shall not judge" or "Do unto others" mentality? Those poor people have had their hearts ripped wide open and are experiencing the worst pain imaginable, something that I would not wish on my worst enemy. As a person that believes people are inherently good, I am rather astonished at the response of some. How cruel can people be? Well, it even gets worse.

I even saw one blog that said, "So what? This is not news big deal, just because he died. There are millions of kids that die and no one cares about that." Well, to this dreadfully mean individual I do agree with you on one account. Yes, there are many children that die, and each and every one is a tragedy. This is news because they are in the public eye and I would assume that at this point they likely wish that they were not. This will be the most difficult trial they will ever face and they will be forever changed. My heart breaks for anyone that loses a child, whether they are a friend, stranger or celebrity.

Many people are blaming Scientology so much so that Jett's family felt it necessary to release a statement indicating that everything medical and otherwise had been done for him. WHY SHOULD THEY HAVE TO DO THAT? This should be their own private time to grieve for the loss of their son, not to have to worry about what people think. All of you individuals that are taking time out of your day to post cruel comments I suspect that you have no children, or if you do, someone should question you about what type of care you provide your child as I know, any normal parent would feel sympathy for what this poor family is going through. I know I do. For goodness sake, leave these poor people alone in their grief and most importantly, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.

So to John, Kelly & Ella-I am no one special and you do not know me but my hope for you is that you are shielded from the dreadful comments, comforted by the heartfelt ones and that you will find a way to cope with such a terrible loss. Truly my heart breaks for you all. I wish peace for you and you will remain in my thoughts.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

The New Year 2009

I am not really one to make resolutions, and in fact I have never made one. I do however always take stock of the past year and think about just how quickly it has gone. This past year, although a tough one, did seem to go rather quickly. I know it is because I am getting older. Which then brings up the point of how much time I have left. I am not exactly the picture of health and it really saddens me that I have not really accomplished the things I set out to do.

2008 was tough because I lost my identity(I can no longer work as a nurse) and now have absolutely no idea what I am supposed to do with my remaining years. I have however finally made up my mind to enroll in the writing course which I believe I mentioned in my last post. I have read the information over numerous times and think that I will learn something and perhaps it will keep my mind off my pain and my general ill health.

I do have one sort of monkey wrench that came at me on December 26th that I must deal with. My previous landlord, that purchased the house while we were already living in it has served us for small claims court. The worst part is that he owes us approximately 4times the amount he is attempting to sue us for but we decided against it as we are not petty people. I am most upset over the fact that he is trying to sue us for damage to the house, that was ALREADY there when we moved in. It was caused by the previous owners yet he is trying to get money out of us for it. I have several witnesses that know the condition of the house before he purchased it so therefore I know it is frivilous and will likely go no where, it is just the energy and time involved in dealing with this nonsense is something I do not need.

I do not think as long as I live I will ever understand some human beings with their petty, cruel behaviour. Ah well, just another thing to deal with and an awesome way to start the new year off. I will prepare the paperwork rebuttal part of it and my husband will have to attend court to deal with it himself as I could never tolerate sitting all that time.

School goes back tomorrow, hurrayyyyyyyy. I love my son more than anything in this world but he is getting bored now and needs to return and I need some peace and quiet. I can hopefully get back to my novel and officially get started on the writing course. I received my 1200 thread count sheets for my bed and I have a new laptop so what else could I ask for? Life is great, wonderful and awesome, yet it is truly painful and it all out sucks sometimes too. The good old human condition. I don't mind the ups and downs at all really, I just wish I could control my pain better is all. I suppose that is it for today. See you soon.