Thursday, June 4, 2009

I HAVE HOPE AGAIN!!!



Clearly from a couple of my recent posts, it is apparent that I had reached a very bad place. A very dark place where all hope was gone and surely to never return. Losing hope is a very dangerous place to be...however yesterday, I came to realize that there is still reason to hope.

I saw a new doctor, who is an MD/Chiropractor. Before even speaking with him, I noticed a large poster in his waiting room that jumped right out at me. It was divided into 3 parts. The 1st: a picture of someone holding an enormous handful of pills, the 2nd: a picture of a surgeon holding a scalpel, and 3rd: a picture of a doctor providing a treatment that states: "I won't prescribe meds to mask symptoms,I won't do surgery that can worsen your condition, MY GOAL IS TO FIND THE PROBLEM AND FIX IT." Imagine that, someone that wants to try and FIX the problem, what a novel idea...

He did a scan of my entire back, muscles, nerves, spinal cord/vertebrae etc. This initally had the potential to devastate me even further, as the results were bad! Really bad, even worse than he or I had initially thought. I did at least derive a better understanding of why my pain is so horrid and uncontrolled, and as he explained it all to me, I was fighting back the tears yet again...

I have been so emotionally fragile lately, bordering on suicidal that I was profoundly scared to hear anymore bad news. However, I struggled to get one sentence out. "Can you help me and fix it?" He said YES!!! Now, I am not so gullible to not recognize that he could possibly just be telling me what exactly what I wanted to hear, however what he explained next is what gave me my hope back.

He explained of course that he would do his very best which is always a nice thing to hear. He stated that he has seen several people with scans almost exactly like mine. All of them had a significant decrease in their pain after his treatment. While I may be somewhat unrealistic in wanting to be 100% pain-free, he assured me that he would be able to make a very noticeable decrease in my suffering. The pain has been so horrific that any decrease in pain would be wonderful, and so I have kicked my negativity and giving-up mindset to the curb and am positively focused on whatever amount of recovery I can obtain.

Where the hope snuck back in was in the fact that I have only gotten worse over the past year or so, with no improvement whatsoever and nothing but bad news over and over again. Now, no matter the percentage of improvement, I know that it will result in a decrease of some amount of my suffering. I'd love 100% recovery, even 50%however, 5%, 10% or whatever it may end up being, it is at least a measure of improvement rather than continuing to go downhill.

It does unfortunately mean a one hour drive there and another hour back, but I would go to the ends of the earth for any amount of relief. I will continue to post updates about my treatment and recovery that may offer hope to someone else going through the same thing and in the meantime it sure is great to say: HELLO AGAIN HOPE, I'M SO GLAD YOU'VE COME BACK...
J :>)

7 comments:

k.w.m said...

I am so happy that you are able to find some piece of mind as pain takes that away from us.

endochick said...

Glad you have hope again. :-)

Neon Rose said...

Where did you get that image?

Jeni said...

I'm glad to hear of your progress, when will he be able to do the surjery?

lost butterfly said...

Thanks everyone! It is a tough place to be when you lose hope. With so much happening, I suppose it is simply just being HUMAN to sometimes be overwhelmed by it all. One day at a time, sweet Jesus-or even on minute at a time...

J

Melissa Ralston said...

J,

Without hope we cannot move forward with our lives. Without hope we have no motivation. I'm so glad that you have found even a shred of hope in the light of the darkness.

I can identify with what it is like to only have bad news on top of bad news. I have been going through it myself with this pregnancy. I'm not sure if you've kept up with my comments on either mine or Jeanne's blog but essentially I travel into downtown Toronto from Newmarket twice weekly for IVs to treat low blood pressure. I've had premature labour two weekends ago which was successfully stopped (thankfully since I'm only 26 weeks), and this past weekend had to go to the ER as the doctor at the walk-in thought I had a kidney infection and the hospital thinks it's rather a kidney stone. I've been constantly passing out with this pregnancy, due to low blood pressure. I've also had to have a bowel blockage removed without any anaesthetic. Yep, I can understand how the compounding of events can certainly lead one down a dark dark path.

J, I think of you often since you live somewhat close to me and having read through most of your blog posts. I do know that under all of that suffering you have a great spirit with a lot of strength. I'd like to say that if there is anything I can do to help you out, please don't hesitate to ask. You have inspired me with your ability to go on despite everything being thrown your way.

Offering you big hugs,
Melissa (aka momtojake)

Heidi said...

I loved reading this post. There is nothing better than to finally find a doctor who is willing to do what he has to do to help you. Hope is a powerful thing. And I hope for you that this doctor brings you more than just 5% or 10% relief, I hope he brings you much more than that. It's possible, right? As someone who knows what it is like to deal with chronic pain, I know it can be scary to hope for that, but hopefully it is your ultimate goal to hope for. Yes I meant to say hope that many times. :) Please do a follow-up post and let us know how things are going. I'll be thinking of you. Best wishes.