Saturday, May 30, 2009


Recently, I posted a message to the Injured Workers All Across Canada site and unfortunately, it was not a very nice one. In my last blog post, I spoke of acceptance and I do believe I pushed myself a bit too quickly in attempting to accept what has happened. I do still realize that acceptance is paramount if I am to move on, however, now I think it needs to be accomplished in baby steps.

I had a meltdown, a major meltdown. I was ready to throw in the towel and give up, I had my plan, all in place, and 2 minutes before I completed it, I called my husband home from work instead. Chronic pain has the ability to make a person go mad, literally. If you combine that with the abuse of WSIB you have yourself a recipe for disaster. I still can not believe how in Canada, a compassionate country, our government allows this to go on. I actually read a statistic recently that stated people with chronic pain are 50% more likely to commit suicide. Now, being on the receiving end of a suicide, I know the resultant pain it causes, yet, I was in a very dark place. It is the compounding effect of pain, WSIB abuse, financial stress, marital issues related to the stress of it all and just plain old exhaustion.

I am not there now, however,I am profoundly aware that I remain at risk. I am taking the steps I need to take in order to cope with it all and meanwhile, I am so grateful for the people with chronic pain and/or workplace injuries that have provided such caring support. I do now commit to putting my energy into fighting these WSIB SOBs and not allowing them to take me to that very dark place again!


Monday, May 25, 2009


To Jeanne-For opening my eyes to what I need to do next, Thank you.

I just realized, as in the last few days, that I had not reached a point of acceptance yet regarding my injury, illness and chronic pain. I was mentally fighting it every step of the way, because to me acceptance made it real. So real that I did not want to see the reality of just how much my life has changed.

I was looking at pictures of myself before it all happened, when I was strong, healthy and able to take on the world. I was thinking about how I would work out in the gym 5 or 6 days a week, go to school, hold down 2 jobs and take care of my children, the house etc. I just realized that instead of praying for a miracle and asking for my "old" life back, I should have been asking for strength and acceptance. This inability to look at my life realistically left me frozen in place, a stalemate between me and reality. No wonder I could not move forward. I was stuck in the past. Literal inertia!

All human unhappiness comes from not facing reality squarely, exactly as it is. ~Buddha

I have one person to thank for this new realization, a lovely woman named Jeanne who has suffered with chronic illness for 27 years. I came upon her via Twitter and not only is she fantastically supportive but she wrote several statements that have been ringing through my head ever since she sent them, three in particular 1)Everything happens for a reason, 2)Your years as a nurse were NOT wasted. No one can take that life experience away from you no matter what! I know it's hard! 3)Takes time to adapt to situation, grieve the losses, find the new purpose. But you can do it! I can already tell that. You are stronger than you probably think.

1) I too believe that everything happens for a reason, I was just so stuck that I could not open myself up to it.

2) I was feeling as though my years of nursing and related education were a waste, if I was no longer able to practise nursing. I now see that it was a spectacular learning experience. I learned so much from my fellow human beings about suffering, particularly in the face of adversity. I saw grace at the most of devastating diagnosis'. I learned how to be compassionate and sympathetic. Which are clearly wonderful attributes to have!

3) I refused to grieve for my lost life, career and future. I now see that I will never find my new purpose until I go through that phase of grief, albeit painful it is a necessary evil in order to move on. Yes, Jeanne, you are right, I am stronger than I think. I have experienced some pretty dreadful things in my life and I got through them. The suicide of my 1st husband and business bankruptcy leading to homelessness and hunger just to name a few. I survived it, it was tough but I did. I know I will survive this too.

May everyone reach this sense of acceptance,

Friday, May 22, 2009


To those taking the time to read my blog-thank you so very much for taking time out of your busy day to read my thoughts. I appreciate each and every one of you.

Please leave me comments on any of the posts, so that I can determine if I am on the right track with what I post.

Thank you again to everyone. Please keep coming back! I'll do my best to post interesting topics.


Tuesday, May 19, 2009


Up until this point, I have not written much about my workplace injury and subsequent dealings with the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board, herein known as WSIB. The simple reason for my avoidance of this touchy subject is that the topic upsets me terribly. I'm talking rapid heart-rate, sweaty palms, I think I might vomit kind of upset. I'm not the only one either. A simple google search will bring up thousands, or rather hundreds of thousands of sites indicating the exact same experience with these so called, 'worker's compensation boards'. I use the word compensation lightly as compensate they most certainly DO NOT. Torture and emotionally beat down, yes, but compensate definitely not.

Back early in the 1900's these boards were developed to assist injured workers but today they are nothing more than insurance companies hell bent on denying claims and saving money. They do everything in their power to search for even the slightest of inaccuracies that they can use against the injured worker and use it they do. Until I had to deal with them, I had no idea just how cruel and cold-hearted they could really be. My initial conversation with my adjudicator was lovely. She informed me that she was there to help me and do everything within her power to assist in my recovery and return to work. Hell yes, she was great, awesome in fact. She would ensure that I was offered every resource available, I was not to worry my pretty little head, she would have everything taken care of and I was to simply focus on my recovery. Sounds wonderful doesn't it? Well, it was wonderful, for the first couple of weeks. Even my employer was great for the first few weeks. Then everyone did an about-face and turned on me like they do every injured worker.

They assume everyone is a fraud. There is no innocent until proven guilty are just guilty and playing up your injury. But who in their right mind would set themselves up for such torture if they didn't have to? Trust me, if I were able, I would be back a work, immediately. I have my nursing, university undergrad community health, plus every nursing and health related course available. I have been a nurse for 20 years and loved every minute of it. If I could I would be there in a heartbeat! Without it, I feel empty.

My physician filled out a report August of 2008 stating my limitations and that if I were to attempt modified duty yet again, I was to have a place to lie down and rest when the pain became too much. It was faxed to my employer with a cover page specifically asking if they could provide this. I heard nothing. Not a hi, goodbye or kiss my arse. I was basically ignored for the past 9 months with of course no lost wages or back-pay being offered.

Recently, I asked my lawyer to formulate a letter stating that I have done everything by the book and they have pretty much ignored me. Well, that did it. My employer called today for the 1st time in 9 months asking for another report stating my limitations. The doctor wrote exactly the same thing as last time and so here I wait, wondering if they will accomodate me. They are actually required by law to provide any accomodations necessary to allow me to return. They were after all the ones that ignored the danger in my workplace that lead to this injury. The problem is, in my tiny little town here, we also have a tiny little satellite office that barely houses 2 desks. Where they would put a cot or bed is beyond me. I would only be doing paperwork and other light duties anyhow. As far as nursing goes, I will never work as a nurse again, and that my dear readers, breaks my heart! If they only knew...or cared.

I'll return shortly with an update as to what they plan to do with me next.

Until then, take care and PLEASE don't get injured on the job,

Saturday, May 16, 2009



Something else in research news to look forward to. The latest study indicates that those with fibromyalgia (or any type of chronic pain) seem to develop a problem with shrinking of the brain. Actually, that explains a lot. I thought my brain fog was caused by suffering and poor sleep 24/7, when in fact, my brain may be shrinking.

I am trying this new thing...Working on looking for the positive in a negative. Now, it is a little difficult to come up with some positives related to my shrinking brain, however the following is my good old college try:

1) The next time I do something outlandishly stupid, I have a legitimate excuse-"I'm sorry, please forgive my stupidity, but my brain is shrinking."

2) If I ever experience brain trauma that results in a brain bleed, there is more room in my skull now and therefore extra area for expansion that those with a normal brain do not have. Normally, time is of the essence to relieve the pressure on the brain and avoid permanent brain damage. With my shrinking brain however, the doctors will have more time. How's that for thinking positive??

3) If my brain shrinks enough, I may actually become eligible for disability benefits.

4) My last and personal favorite positive, there will be many more interesting adjectives available to describe me:


The article explains the loss of gray matter was three times greater in fibromyalgia patients than in normal test subjects. A lovely explanation that adds insult to injury, we sure are a lucky bunch us chronic pain sufferers!

Of course, I'm teasing, but one needs to keep their sense of humour when dealing with WSIB or any worker's compensation board! Laugh or you will go crazy...
Here's to thinking positive,

Monday, May 11, 2009

Tribute to Jonathan White--Inspiration in the Least Expected Places

**Here it is July 21, 2009 and I am very sad, or rather very disturbed about what I have just heard. I have been informed that this fellow-Jonathan White that I wrote about being such an inspiration to those of us with chronic illness, was in fact a hoax.

It is absolutely disgusting that someone would play on the emotions of caring people in an attempt to receive money. On one hand, it was a bit of a relief, simply because my heart just broke for the suffering of this young man. On the other hand I can not believe the things people will do to dupe others out of their money. It's just shameful!!!

He had such a following on Twitter, many people each and everyday supporting him through his supposed illness, myself included. I started following him after I received a message from Demi Moore asking everyone to follow and support Jonathan. This blog post was dedicated to him, his struggles and his strength. I pondered whether to remove this post entirely rather than just add to it. But I believe it is important to leave it simply because of the impact this nonsense could have on those with REAL serious diseases.

If those caring people that gave of their hard-earned money get duped often enough by criminals such as this, perhaps they will think twice about giving in the future in fear that it is yet another hoax. I would like to say I am not surprised but truly I am. You can not go any LOWER than to pull on the heart-strings of people and tell them a tale about a young fellow suffering with brain cancer. Blows my mind it does...I just can't get over how low people will go. WOW is all I can say!


Any individual that deals with a chronic health issue day after day realizes just how difficult it is to be positive on their bad days. Most strive every moment for the ability to put everything into perspective based upon the major health problems they must cope with. Today, like most days, my pain is uncontrolled, despite taking enough pain meds to put down a large horse, some days it just doesn't cut it. I'd love to complain but I will not.

Instead I will focus on someone else. Lately, I have found the greatest inspiration on twitter by following a young fellow:@jonthanjay aka Jonathan White. I truly never expected to be so inspired by someone close to 30 years my junior, yet inspire me he has, deeply. Despite living with cancer which is a struggle I also unfortunately know well, his posts NEVER contain complaints. It is rather amazing really, he has every right to complain, yet his posts are always pleasantly upbeat and positive as he truly lives the 'livestrong' mantra.
My last Twitter comment to him was: "I truly marvel at your positive attitude-you are an example to us all.Take care of yourself, I pray for you often."
I pray for this young man several times a day. As the mother of 3 boys, my heart just breaks for his family. He has a list of over 100 things he wants to do before he dies. In my prayers for Jonathan, I pray for a complete recovery so that he may accomplish all on his list and moreI sincerely believe in the power of prayer. Let us all, members of the human race, pray for this young man's full recovery. We need more young people in the world with attitudes like his. All the best to you Jonathan--you and your family will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Saturday, May 9, 2009


Living with a chronic health issue can be very challenging, which I unfortunately have found out over the last couple of years. The multi-faceted difficulties effect every area of ones life in a primarily negative way. I must say though, I am deeply grateful that my issues occurred at this time in history, when the internet was available. There are so many resources that never would have been accessible only a few short years ago. Information on every aspect from the underlying pathology to support groups to social networking are now available at ones fingertips.

Until I began searching, I had no idea there were so many individuals not only living with chronic health problems but also available to reach out to others in need. Yes, the world can be a pretty nasty place sometimes, filled with suffering and pain, however, just to know others are there caring and dealing with the same problems seems to lighten the heavy burden.

Thank you to all the angels out there that despite their own suffering, take the time out of their day to provide support to their fellow human beings.


Friday, May 8, 2009

Oh How I Miss Nursing

As a community nurse for almost 20 years, my career choice and my identity basically became fused. That is until the injury. As the days, weeks and months pass me by, I miss it more and more.

I absolutely loved my job. There really is no higher calling or other career choice that has the potential to have such an impact or to make a difference in an individuals' life. As a nurse, I saw people at their most vulnerable. Some were simply recovering from a surgery, some had chronic health issues and some were dying. Even those in the last stages of their lives were rewarding to treat, sad yes and difficult at times, but rewarding. To be able to provide physical, emotional and spiritual care to someone as they pass on is life-changing. It changed me, forever.
I recently entered Smith Magazine, 6 Word Memoirs where you are to basically provide your essence in 6 words. Mine was: "Injured Nurse Disabled and Profoundly Sad." What more can I say? I miss my patients, it makes me sad.

See if you can write your memoir in 6 words.

Creative Visualization & The Spoon Theory

On the days that my ill health gets the best of me, I imagine a place of serenity and do my best to picture myself there. This type of visualization is helpful in controlling the chronic pain I suffer with. Also, one of the best sites on the net for those with chronic illness is: 'But You Don't Look Sick' The site has many great articles and one in particular that I love called "The Spoon Theory." It is useful to explain to others how difficult life with a chronic illness can be. It is written by the site owner Christine Miserandino, and is very well done.

If you have a chronic illness and/or chronic pain picture your idea of paradise and try creative visualization.

Grieving Over My Missing Gland

Just a quick thought for the morning, my imparting of wisdom-
ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, DO NOT HAVE YOUR THYROID REMOVED UNTIL YOU HAVE EXHAUSTED EVERY POSSIBLE ALTERNATIVE. It is far too important a gland and when you no longer have it, life becomes a struggle. I have been through hell since mine was removed 4 years ago.

Till we meet again,

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Need Fundraising Plan

Posting twice in one day....double wow.

I lost my teeth several months ago due to the radiation exposure after cancer treatment and since then, I've hardly eaten and have not left the house...I really need a plan on how to go about getting permanent implants, when I am so poor. I hate these dentures more than I can express and have never used them. I need ideas outside of winning the lottery, well, ok winning the lottery would be great too.
I need a plan, anyone?

Two Days in a Row.....WOW

I said it would be a few days and yet here I am again. Imagine that. Could not help it as in my last post I spoke of Revenue Canada and my procrastination in contacting them...Guess what happens when you do that? They go ahead and decide where they will get their money and just take it; in this case I will not have a pension again until I am about 95 or so. Ah well, now I don't need to keep the telephone ringer off any longer.

Other than that, it is simply just Thursday with nothing really new except the results of my foolish procrastination. I think I will go visit twitter and read Jann Arden's tweets, she always makes me laugh, a lot! Just love her.

See you soon,

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The Queen of Procrastination & Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Every few months or so, I commit to making regular entries to this blog among other things and yet here I am again, procrastinating. What the heck is wrong with me? When I decide to put my mind to something, I keep going with my head down until it is complete. That is not the issue here. Finding the motivation to get started on something is my problem.

For instance, I owe Revenue Canada due to working part time and collecting EI after a lengthy illness. However, EI does not take enough tax off and here I sit with the huge debt, and no idea how I will ever pay it. I do need to call them, but I haven 't yet, simply because I have no clue as to what I could offer them. If WSIB (Workplace Safety and Insurance Board) would pay the $15,000.00 they presently owe me, I could. Gee, I wonder if Revenue Canada could exert some influence on WSIB. Nah, forget that one. I don't think anyone could except the Lord himself. WSIB is operated by lucifer in the flesh, intent on destroying lives like mine.

Recently, as in the last several months, I have been having these odd dreams. Not the passionate, gorgeous man dreams that would be fun. I would rather be dreaming about Jonathan Rhys Meyers-(see photo, OH BABY). They are dreams about my health and employment...In my dreams almost every night; I am healthy, strong and back at work. Then I wake up disappointed when I realize that I will never work as a nurse again due to a workplace injury. It reminds me of when I read Christopher Reeve's book about how he would dream that he was able-bodied after his paralysis. Why do people dream things that can not be? When I wake up I feel even more upset that I am basically stuck in this body that responds as a 90 year olds would. Actually, I know some 90 year olds that are doing better than I.

My procrastinating has gotten the best of me lately as I was at the point where I made up my mind that I would attempt writing as my new career. But, I have done nothing to foster any forward motion. The days, weeks and months just keep flying by without accomplishment. How to pull myself out of this rut has become a burning question. I know disabled people have fulfilled lives. I know it is possible, right? So, where to start...I need to make a living at something that is legal. Sure wish someone had the magic bullet, or simply just a bullet.

Well, the queen of procrastination will at least try to continue updating her blog more regularly. See you in a few months, er ah, I mean a few days.
P.S. I know, I know, this post was about my issues with procrastination and yet there is a picture of Jonathan Rhys Meyers. You can't blame me for that, he is unbelievably easy on the eyes don't you think? Besides, now I have an excuse to look at him whenever I work on my blog. (I really am happily married, but a girl can swoon, er, ah I mean can look can't she?)