Wednesday, December 31, 2008

No I did not drop off the face of the earth, although I wish I did

I do so apologize, it has been a year or so since I wrote and much has happened. I am now pretty much disabled and unable to work as a nurse any longer (a lengthy story in itself). I shall do my best to catch up with hopes that someone will find something of interest in my blog, perhaps encouraging me to continue on.

I have also decided to take a bit of a turn, thanks to my injury and chronic illness. I began writing a regular article for the newspaper and the occasional magazine also. I have now decided to write a book after many false starts. One day I am gung ho to go, next day I read something discouraging about how difficult it is to get published. I have thought about trying self-publishing, however, without an income any longer, I do not have the money in which to do it. So, I have decided to leave it in God's hands. If it is meant to be, it will.

For most of my life, even the bad parts, I have believed that there is a reason for everything, even the negative stuff we all struggle through. So I have to assume that my ill health and inability to continue my nursing career has a reason. It is most difficult some days as I absolutely loved being a nurse. It was the very essence of me, my identity and I feel as though I have literally lost a piece of myself. I loved my job and would have done it for free, to me there is no higher calling than to assist those suffering and vulnerable. However, I shall do my best to move on and assume that it has happened for the greater good. (I must think that way or else I will go crazy).

There have been many devastating events in my life, many of which I have yet to enter here, however something happened a few months ago that almost did me in, and no one was more shocked than I. It truly seems incomprehensible to me that I almost gave up when clearly I have faced much greater challenges than this. I do not know if it was an accumulation over the years or simply an odd synergistic effect between the latest 2 incidences. the treatment are starting to cause some very serious health issues for me. My upper third of both lungs are fibroses

The Hodgkin's lymphoma that I spoke of in an earlier post is just starting to rear it's ugly head. No, it did not come back, rather the side-effects of it did with a roaring vengence. My heart, is also damaged, and my heart rate is now 125 beats per minutes,resting. Normal resting heart rate is between 60-80 for most people, some a bit higher and some lower, however 125 is WAY too quick. No one thus far has been able to determine what the exact issue is. I have damage to my spinal cord from radiation burns and that has caused a very uncomfortable symptom referred to as L'hermitte's sign. It feels like an electric shock when I move my head down.

That in itself is bad enough but believe it or not, it was the teeth, or lack thereof that broke the camel's back, ergo mine. The radiation damage to my teeth and salivary glands caused them to begin crumbling like blue cheese. Pieces literally broke off and became abscessed. After this had happened too many times to count, I decided to have them all removed. BIG BIG BIG mistake! I have not eaten in 4 months(other than nutritional drinks). I just can not get used to the dentures. I hate them, despise them, they hurt, they will not stay in place and they make me look like I just got punched in the mouth. I wish now, that I would not have had them all removed. Did I mention I absolutely hate the dentures? I am only 42 years and now without teeth I look like an 80 year old, which I suppose is rather fitting considering most days I feel like one too.

I did attempt to return to work last year, and although it was tough some days I was managing okay. Unfortunately though, only a few weeks back, I suffered a low back injury for me that ensured I will never work again as a nurse. I don't even want to get into the issues I have had with WSIB, the compensation board for workplace injuries as it only agitates me when I think about it. I will get into it on another day however the only thing I will say now is:their role in my injury is to remain as unmerciful as possible and to make sure that I have to struggle for every cent they decide to pay me. They are most diligent in their efforts to ensure that the injured worker feels beaten down and defeated, like nothing more than a useless piece of garbage. As callous as that may sound it is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

Rather than throw in the towel and completely give up, I have a bit of a plan, for the first time in a while. I am planning to take a writing course in the new year and I am going to do my best to finish my novel. I also hope to derive some inspiration as I plan to continue blogging about my progress. When I first began last year, I did not seem to garner any readers but this time, I am hopeful that will change and if I in fact find some interested readers I will take that to mean I may be on the right track. God I hope I am, because now, due to my health issues, the only thing I am able to do these days is write and read books. So that is basically the condensed version of the past year. I will expand on it and also return to my previous plan of outlining what has occurred in the past to bring me to this moment in time.
See you soon.