Monday, May 25, 2009
ACCEPTANCE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING...
To Jeanne-For opening my eyes to what I need to do next, Thank you.
I just realized, as in the last few days, that I had not reached a point of acceptance yet regarding my injury, illness and chronic pain. I was mentally fighting it every step of the way, because to me acceptance made it real. So real that I did not want to see the reality of just how much my life has changed.
I was looking at pictures of myself before it all happened, when I was strong, healthy and able to take on the world. I was thinking about how I would work out in the gym 5 or 6 days a week, go to school, hold down 2 jobs and take care of my children, the house etc. I just realized that instead of praying for a miracle and asking for my "old" life back, I should have been asking for strength and acceptance. This inability to look at my life realistically left me frozen in place, a stalemate between me and reality. No wonder I could not move forward. I was stuck in the past. Literal inertia!
All human unhappiness comes from not facing reality squarely, exactly as it is. ~Buddha
I have one person to thank for this new realization, a lovely woman named Jeanne who has suffered with chronic illness for 27 years. I came upon her via Twitter and not only is she fantastically supportive but she wrote several statements that have been ringing through my head ever since she sent them, three in particular 1)Everything happens for a reason, 2)Your years as a nurse were NOT wasted. No one can take that life experience away from you no matter what! I know it's hard! 3)Takes time to adapt to situation, grieve the losses, find the new purpose. But you can do it! I can already tell that. You are stronger than you probably think.
1) I too believe that everything happens for a reason, I was just so stuck that I could not open myself up to it.
2) I was feeling as though my years of nursing and related education were a waste, if I was no longer able to practise nursing. I now see that it was a spectacular learning experience. I learned so much from my fellow human beings about suffering, particularly in the face of adversity. I saw grace at the most of devastating diagnosis'. I learned how to be compassionate and sympathetic. Which are clearly wonderful attributes to have!
3) I refused to grieve for my lost life, career and future. I now see that I will never find my new purpose until I go through that phase of grief, albeit painful it is a necessary evil in order to move on. Yes, Jeanne, you are right, I am stronger than I think. I have experienced some pretty dreadful things in my life and I got through them. The suicide of my 1st husband and business bankruptcy leading to homelessness and hunger just to name a few. I survived it, it was tough but I did. I know I will survive this too.
May everyone reach this sense of acceptance,