I do so apologize, it has been a year or so since I wrote and much has happened. I am now pretty much disabled and unable to work as a nurse any longer (a lengthy story in itself). I shall do my best to catch up with hopes that someone will find something of interest in my blog, perhaps encouraging me to continue on.
I have also decided to take a bit of a turn, thanks to my injury and chronic illness. I began writing a regular article for the newspaper and the occasional magazine also. I have now decided to write a book after many false starts. One day I am gung ho to go, next day I read something discouraging about how difficult it is to get published. I have thought about trying self-publishing, however, without an income any longer, I do not have the money in which to do it. So, I have decided to leave it in God's hands. If it is meant to be, it will.
For most of my life, even the bad parts, I have believed that there is a reason for everything, even the negative stuff we all struggle through. So I have to assume that my ill health and inability to continue my nursing career has a reason. It is most difficult some days as I absolutely loved being a nurse. It was the very essence of me, my identity and I feel as though I have literally lost a piece of myself. I loved my job and would have done it for free, to me there is no higher calling than to assist those suffering and vulnerable. However, I shall do my best to move on and assume that it has happened for the greater good. (I must think that way or else I will go crazy).
There have been many devastating events in my life, many of which I have yet to enter here, however something happened a few months ago that almost did me in, and no one was more shocked than I. It truly seems incomprehensible to me that I almost gave up when clearly I have faced much greater challenges than this. I do not know if it was an accumulation over the years or simply an odd synergistic effect between the latest 2 incidences. the treatment are starting to cause some very serious health issues for me. My upper third of both lungs are fibroses
The Hodgkin's lymphoma that I spoke of in an earlier post is just starting to rear it's ugly head. No, it did not come back, rather the side-effects of it did with a roaring vengence. My heart, is also damaged, and my heart rate is now 125 beats per minutes,resting. Normal resting heart rate is between 60-80 for most people, some a bit higher and some lower, however 125 is WAY too quick. No one thus far has been able to determine what the exact issue is. I have damage to my spinal cord from radiation burns and that has caused a very uncomfortable symptom referred to as L'hermitte's sign. It feels like an electric shock when I move my head down.
That in itself is bad enough but believe it or not, it was the teeth, or lack thereof that broke the camel's back, ergo mine. The radiation damage to my teeth and salivary glands caused them to begin crumbling like blue cheese. Pieces literally broke off and became abscessed. After this had happened too many times to count, I decided to have them all removed. BIG BIG BIG mistake! I have not eaten in 4 months(other than nutritional drinks). I just can not get used to the dentures. I hate them, despise them, they hurt, they will not stay in place and they make me look like I just got punched in the mouth. I wish now, that I would not have had them all removed. Did I mention I absolutely hate the dentures? I am only 42 years and now without teeth I look like an 80 year old, which I suppose is rather fitting considering most days I feel like one too.
I did attempt to return to work last year, and although it was tough some days I was managing okay. Unfortunately though, only a few weeks back, I suffered a low back injury for me that ensured I will never work again as a nurse. I don't even want to get into the issues I have had with WSIB, the compensation board for workplace injuries as it only agitates me when I think about it. I will get into it on another day however the only thing I will say now is:their role in my injury is to remain as unmerciful as possible and to make sure that I have to struggle for every cent they decide to pay me. They are most diligent in their efforts to ensure that the injured worker feels beaten down and defeated, like nothing more than a useless piece of garbage. As callous as that may sound it is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.
Rather than throw in the towel and completely give up, I have a bit of a plan, for the first time in a while. I am planning to take a writing course in the new year and I am going to do my best to finish my novel. I also hope to derive some inspiration as I plan to continue blogging about my progress. When I first began last year, I did not seem to garner any readers but this time, I am hopeful that will change and if I in fact find some interested readers I will take that to mean I may be on the right track. God I hope I am, because now, due to my health issues, the only thing I am able to do these days is write and read books. So that is basically the condensed version of the past year. I will expand on it and also return to my previous plan of outlining what has occurred in the past to bring me to this moment in time.
See you soon.
J
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Off to Nursing School
Following completion of treatment for Hodgkin's Lymphoma and subsequent recovery I began nursing school. The entire time I wished it were medical school, however I was grateful for the opportunity to find a career in the health care field. I absolutely loved it and the material came very easy to me. I found that I did not need to study often as I just absorbed the information like a sponge. My marks were among the highest in the class and I often emerged from an exam 1st with the highest mark. I am sure that it is the same for any individual, once they find something that interests them, it is like second nature and it all falls into place with very little effort. Although it was not medical school I felt as though I had "found my calling" or was at least looking in the right direction.
I was able to find 2 nursing positions rather quickly after graduation, one on a day surgery floor of a hospital and the other in a long term care type hospital. I had been a stay at home mom prior to this and the freedom I felt started to adversely effect my marriage. I started to wonder if I had done the right thing marrying so young. I loved my children dearly and could not imagine life without them but I so craved a close loving marriage. At the time I did not realize just how much was missing from my marriage as I will explain in a later post.
Be back soon,
J
I was able to find 2 nursing positions rather quickly after graduation, one on a day surgery floor of a hospital and the other in a long term care type hospital. I had been a stay at home mom prior to this and the freedom I felt started to adversely effect my marriage. I started to wonder if I had done the right thing marrying so young. I loved my children dearly and could not imagine life without them but I so craved a close loving marriage. At the time I did not realize just how much was missing from my marriage as I will explain in a later post.
Be back soon,
J
Such a long story--where do I begin
Greetings to all on my first entry!
This blog will, for the most part, be about my health struggles post- total thyroidectomy however the years prior to this tell quite a tale as well...So...I will start about 20 years back because as Oprah says, "everyone has a story." This is mine.
I truly realized that to put those difficulties into perspective I would need to outline my entire life story. Nothing, absolutely nothing has been more challenging since the time following my thyroidectomy and if you continue to read all that has occurred it will certainly put it into perspective. The thyroid gland is an essential part of ones body, effecting each and every cell and life without it is more than challenging to say the least. More challenging than all that has occurred in my life thus far, and as you read it may be hard to believe.
I decided to write my manuscript and this blog after recently watching, "The Pursuit of Happyness." I cried, not just a single glistening tear but shoulder shaking sobs. Not only because it was a touching story of human suffering and the spirit to rise above it but because it so closely paralleled my life in many ways. My story however has many other challenges as you will see if you continue to read. Cancer, marital problems, suicide, business failure, rather financial ruin that lead to losing everything, our home, all possessions, even to the point of homelessness and hunger. Many terrible things have happened and I will tell the story step by step. I hope those reading it will enjoy the experience of me purging my soul as much as I will. Actually I am again on sick leave from my job as a community nurse so when I am not napping I will be typing.
I married Paul very young, actually 2 months prior to my 18th birthday. I had my first child at 18 and my second at 20. I was young and foolish as they say and here I was with a 2 year old and a newborn baby, both boys. Little did I know that this marriage would end in a major tragedy one that would rock my soul to it's core and that of my children's forever more. That in itself is a long tale so I will save that story in order to keep this blog in a somewhat sequential order. To begin I suppose the best place would be at the cause of much damage to my body, in particular to my thyroid gland.
I remember the day vividly, the day that started my health problems...it began as a nosebleed that just would not ease. Off to the ear/nose/throat doc to be assessed. As he proceeded to cauterize the vessel he questioned, "how long have you had that lump?" The lump in question was in the middle of my neck and had been there at least a year or so. It did not hurt or bother me in any way so I just ignored it... (P.S. never ignore a lump!) This specialist felt it best to have it removed as he said, "just in case." My family doc said, "you are young and healthy and "I guarantee it is nothing serious."
(Message to my former family doc:Never make a guarantee!) Next thing I knew I was booked for surgery. I must say that there is something very CREEPY about having your throat cut...little did I know it would not be the first time that a surgeon would put a scalpel to my throat. The pathology report took 2 weeks to return and I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. There I was, 21 years old with a 2 year old and a newborn baby and the panic set in. Was I going to die? At the very least I was concerned about how I would manage this situation with 2 small children. My husband at the time was a hard working man but pretty much emotionally absent and I knew that he would never provide the support other than financially. I was however told, "this is the best kind of cancer to have." WHAT??? That statement still gets me going every time I think of it! I suppose they were just trying to make me feel better....
The following month was just a flurry of tests, scans and appointments the worst of which was a lymphangiogram. This involved having needles, actually rather large needles of dye injected between my toes and then incisions to the top of my feet to inject more dye in order to visualize the lymphatic system. This test I must say would be a great torture technique, it caused nightmares for many months and was excruciatingly painful to tolerate. It was then decided that radiation therapy would be the treatment of choice. Oh, if only I could turn back time. Never was I told of long term side effects or what my future would hold. They decided because I was so, "young and healthy" that I would be given a very high dose of radiation, daily for 6 weeks. The result of this "very high dose" was unbelievably painful 2nd and 3rd degree burns on my upper body, lower jaw, chin area and especially severe under the arms, the actual exit point for the rays. That is something I will never forget. The worst part however was that it never occurred to me at the time that these burns were nothing compared to the unseen internal damage that was going on.
I somehow managed to make it through that dreadful time despite many problems. After several months of dark and difficult days I recovered and began to look at life differently. It was then that I decided to enter nursing school. I had always wanted to be a doctor but with 2 small children and just recovering from the treatment I knew that it was not a possibility at this time. I was offered a seat in the Registered Practical Nurse program, free of charge with child care included, how could I refuse? I decided to go for it as medical school just wasn't in the cards for me any longer and I needed to move on and think about the future. I thought that the cancer would be the most difficult thing I would ever face in my life and that I had made it through....how naive of me.
See you soon for the next entry,
Jeannette
This blog will, for the most part, be about my health struggles post- total thyroidectomy however the years prior to this tell quite a tale as well...So...I will start about 20 years back because as Oprah says, "everyone has a story." This is mine.
I truly realized that to put those difficulties into perspective I would need to outline my entire life story. Nothing, absolutely nothing has been more challenging since the time following my thyroidectomy and if you continue to read all that has occurred it will certainly put it into perspective. The thyroid gland is an essential part of ones body, effecting each and every cell and life without it is more than challenging to say the least. More challenging than all that has occurred in my life thus far, and as you read it may be hard to believe.
I decided to write my manuscript and this blog after recently watching, "The Pursuit of Happyness." I cried, not just a single glistening tear but shoulder shaking sobs. Not only because it was a touching story of human suffering and the spirit to rise above it but because it so closely paralleled my life in many ways. My story however has many other challenges as you will see if you continue to read. Cancer, marital problems, suicide, business failure, rather financial ruin that lead to losing everything, our home, all possessions, even to the point of homelessness and hunger. Many terrible things have happened and I will tell the story step by step. I hope those reading it will enjoy the experience of me purging my soul as much as I will. Actually I am again on sick leave from my job as a community nurse so when I am not napping I will be typing.
I married Paul very young, actually 2 months prior to my 18th birthday. I had my first child at 18 and my second at 20. I was young and foolish as they say and here I was with a 2 year old and a newborn baby, both boys. Little did I know that this marriage would end in a major tragedy one that would rock my soul to it's core and that of my children's forever more. That in itself is a long tale so I will save that story in order to keep this blog in a somewhat sequential order. To begin I suppose the best place would be at the cause of much damage to my body, in particular to my thyroid gland.
I remember the day vividly, the day that started my health problems...it began as a nosebleed that just would not ease. Off to the ear/nose/throat doc to be assessed. As he proceeded to cauterize the vessel he questioned, "how long have you had that lump?" The lump in question was in the middle of my neck and had been there at least a year or so. It did not hurt or bother me in any way so I just ignored it... (P.S. never ignore a lump!) This specialist felt it best to have it removed as he said, "just in case." My family doc said, "you are young and healthy and "I guarantee it is nothing serious."
(Message to my former family doc:Never make a guarantee!) Next thing I knew I was booked for surgery. I must say that there is something very CREEPY about having your throat cut...little did I know it would not be the first time that a surgeon would put a scalpel to my throat. The pathology report took 2 weeks to return and I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. There I was, 21 years old with a 2 year old and a newborn baby and the panic set in. Was I going to die? At the very least I was concerned about how I would manage this situation with 2 small children. My husband at the time was a hard working man but pretty much emotionally absent and I knew that he would never provide the support other than financially. I was however told, "this is the best kind of cancer to have." WHAT??? That statement still gets me going every time I think of it! I suppose they were just trying to make me feel better....
The following month was just a flurry of tests, scans and appointments the worst of which was a lymphangiogram. This involved having needles, actually rather large needles of dye injected between my toes and then incisions to the top of my feet to inject more dye in order to visualize the lymphatic system. This test I must say would be a great torture technique, it caused nightmares for many months and was excruciatingly painful to tolerate. It was then decided that radiation therapy would be the treatment of choice. Oh, if only I could turn back time. Never was I told of long term side effects or what my future would hold. They decided because I was so, "young and healthy" that I would be given a very high dose of radiation, daily for 6 weeks. The result of this "very high dose" was unbelievably painful 2nd and 3rd degree burns on my upper body, lower jaw, chin area and especially severe under the arms, the actual exit point for the rays. That is something I will never forget. The worst part however was that it never occurred to me at the time that these burns were nothing compared to the unseen internal damage that was going on.
I somehow managed to make it through that dreadful time despite many problems. After several months of dark and difficult days I recovered and began to look at life differently. It was then that I decided to enter nursing school. I had always wanted to be a doctor but with 2 small children and just recovering from the treatment I knew that it was not a possibility at this time. I was offered a seat in the Registered Practical Nurse program, free of charge with child care included, how could I refuse? I decided to go for it as medical school just wasn't in the cards for me any longer and I needed to move on and think about the future. I thought that the cancer would be the most difficult thing I would ever face in my life and that I had made it through....how naive of me.
See you soon for the next entry,
Jeannette
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
