Journey Through Thyroidlessness, Workplace Injury & Chronic Pain

MY NEW CAREER, SORT OF....

2011-08-05T17:12:00.000-07:00

Well, after my WSIB job search & nonsense program, I remain unemployed. I sent my resume everywhere under the sun to no avail. I don't know if it is the long drive for these jobs (1 hour or more) that scared employers away or my broken body. Yes, I may have long term issues related to my workplace injury, however I am doing very well now as I have said. On a better note, I have my Human Rights case to be heard on October 7, 2011. Finally, I will get the opportunity to say my piece about how I was discarded like yesterday's garbage.

At this point, WSIB has officially disposed of me and I have no income and no prospects at the moment either. Instead of panicking I decided to make entering contests my new career. Don't laugh, I am serious...Think about it; there is no physical labor involved, no long drive, no risk of re-injury etc. Granted there are no sure things but there never is in life. Frankly, I had NO IDEA how many contests are out there just waiting to be entered. There are also very serious folks that have also made it their vocation. Many of the contest forums list the winnings of members and some truly are making a living entering and winning contests. I mean big winnings in the neighborhood of $25,000.00 up to almost $55,000.00 per year. WOW, right?

The only downfall so far is that it is so very time-consuming. Not that I don't have time on my hands these days but I am spending 10-12 hours a day. Lets just say, the housework is not being done so well. For the past 5 weeks I have sat on my comfy chair with my laptop entering until I can not see straight. I have won a fair bit already, though nothing earth shattering yet, but still winning all the same. The way I see it, if I can garner at least one large win a year, that will equal my lost income in either cash or a prize that I can sell for cash. I may just have to turn my trusty little blog into a compilation of contest entries and winnings. Wouldn't that be quite the tale...an injured nurse finds her new career in contesting. Well, I better run, lots of contests to enter and hey at least I won't hurt my back doing it.

Take care and stay well,
J X0

CHRONIC PAIN IS PERVASIVE AND COSTLY! WHY HAVEN'T WE FIXED IT YET?

2011-07-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

I look online every day searching for new information about the treatment of chronic pain. My pain is well controlled for the most part, but I continue to look because I can’t help but feel for those still suffering every minute of every day. Chronic pain interrupts and destroys every part of life, trust me I know that too well. Frankly, if I were to describe hell, it would certainly come under the banner of chronic pain.

This past spring, I attended a 6-week program that incorporated different modalities to combat chronic pain. They offered education sessions, strengthening exercises, taught coping methods such as pacing activity and relaxation methods such as meditation. They also had a physician on staff that instructed patients on the proper use of their medication to obtain the maximum effect. Many were already on pain medication however, they continued to suffer significantly as medication alone is seldom the answer.

Prior to starting the program, I had done much research on my own and had already employed most of the methods they taught. However, I was deeply affected by my time there. Not by what I learned but by the other participants. There were many poor suffering souls also taking the program and while I would watch them shuffle down the hallways, I always became teary-eyed. Part of my emotional reaction was the nurse in me; the other more powerful reason was the fact that I was in their shoes not too long ago. They looked helpless, hopeless and devastated that this was their reality. I won’t say that I didn’t learn anything as there were a few things I picked up along the way. For the most part though, I talked to these other injured folks in depth about their injury and subsequent pain. I even helped a few out with the name of an excellent worker’s compensation lawyer. (Which incidentally is an absolute must after a workplace injury)

I suppose in any environment I can not turn off the nurse that resides within me. I told them exactly what I had been through and how I arrived at such a significant improvement. I watched many of them as their faces lit up with hope! I too had lost my hope at one point even becoming suicidal. Chronic pain can do that to a person. When they saw someone that used to be like them had actually improved, you truly could see the light bulb turn on. As human beings, if we lose hope, we are a short trip from complete, all-consuming desolation and that is a most harrowing place in which to find yourself! I offered physician’s names, medication regimens, and many of the activities they also taught at this program. I suggested they see their physicians’ fully prepared to ask the to doctor try each and every possible treatment available until they were successful. The biggest problem is that when you are suffering, you lack the ability to advocate for yourself because you simply do not have the strength within to do so. Chronic pain taps every resource that you have. I told them that despite their suffering, they must put their remaining bit of strength into advocating for themselves. The sad thing is, if we do not act as advocates for ourselves, no one else will.

So, the point of this post is WHY when there are so many suffering with chronic pain, we have not yet found a significant way to treat it and improve quality of life? The financial cost alone is staggering and is an excellent reason for researchers to push forward for better treatments. In fact, if you read THIS article, you will see that for the United States alone, chronic pain costs up to $635 billion annually in medical and economic costs. That alone should get everyone’s attention.

The present treatments are woefully ineffective as you can read HERE. Another scary statistic is the lack of education for physicians as there are apparently only 5 medical schools out of 133 in America alone that have required courses specific to the treatment of pain. Now, I don’t know about you but I think that is a pretty sad state of affairs and simply unacceptable!

On the upside however, I believe that chronic pain and the lack of forward progress in treating it has finally garnered the attention of some researchers. For those suffering, this can not happen soon enough! The American Pain Society is lauding the recent Institute of Medicine report as a 'step forward' in the treatment of pain. Hopefully with the increased awareness and research, chronic pain patients’ can finally get out of their beds and perhaps re-join their lives…That is my wish for all those suffering with chronic pain.

Take care and stay well,
J

T MINUS (-) ONE DAY TO=CUT-OFF BY WSIB....AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME...

2011-06-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

*Did you know that if you suffer a workplace injury & are subsequently discarded by your employer because they are worried about money, money, money, you are then completely powerless in that regard? The Workplace Safety & Insurance Board, (WSIB) will then give you 10 weeks (Aka Labor Market Re-entry Program) to find another job that you are able to do, even though you were doing great at your previous one. They won’t help you fight to get your previous job back, even though that is their supposed role. Once that 10 weeks is up,(July 1st for me) if you still don't have a job, that's it, no other plan, no discussion, you're cut off, period!

After numerous and I mean numerous interviews, I have yet to be hired. Frankly, I do not understand it as I have NEVER, had a problem finding a job in my line of work. I have an exemplary work history, which leaves me wondering why I am not successful in my job search. I am trying very hard not to have a pity party...I did my very best to find a job, yet it has not happened thus far. The deadline for WSIB to cut me off stands at T minus 1 day. Now, just as an FYI, I must offer you the most important piece of advice you will EVER get: DO YOUR ABSOLUTE BEST TO NEVER GET HURT ON THE JOB. If you do, it will be your worst nightmare. How I wish I could turn back time and accede to my husband’s wishes that I not go to the specific home in which I was injured. The ‘nurse’ in me, would not allow me to abandon the patient. Isn’t it ironic how I ended up the patient instead, and moreover being discriminated against? Perhaps I am not successful in finding a new job because I will be victorious in my Human Rights case and my employer will be ordered to give me my job back. Now, how’s that for thinking positive?

Since my injury in November of 2007, it certainly has been a rough road. The chronic pain was my largest obstacle and having finally garnered control of the pain that almost destroyed me, I believed it would be smooth sailing from that point on. In many ways it has been. I absolutely must turn this situation around and focus on the positive, as we all know that negative thinking causes all sorts of problems. As I was 'surfing the good old web' today, I saw an article stating that positive thinking can actually make people feel worse. I can't say that I agree with that at all but you may read their point of view here.

Back when I was suffering 24/7, I had no fight in me whatsoever. I couldn’t handle conflict of any sort. Now that I am not suffering every minute, I know in my heart I will eventually turn this situation around. In fact, I must if I am ever to return to the job I love and miss dearly. I suppose today’s thoughts are coming from a reflective place. In fact I do this often as reflective thinking is a must for nursing practice. Also, I turn the big *45* today…and I always find that I think back to the past and what has happened in my life up until that point. Isn’t that what birthdays are all about? The way I see it, I am basically past mid-life and if I am going to accomplish what I wish, I must get a move on. Thank goodness I now have the physical ability to do so. Life passes us by so quickly and therefore I feel I must do whatever is necessary to accomplish my goals because ‘time’s a tickin’…

Well, I suppose now would be a great time to go pray my little heart out and check the new job postings…

Take care and stay well,
J

THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD.....OR.....COULDN'T: Coping in the workplace with disability and chronic pain

2011-06-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

Returning and/or remaining in the workforce can be challenging for anyone. There are numerous stresses such as deadlines, conflicts and personal issues that can effect an individual’s success in the workplace. When one is disabled and suffering with chronic pain, the difficulties and challenges become magnified many times over. The World Health Organization defines disability as: “Disability is any restriction or lack of ability to perform an activity in the manner or within the range considered normal for a human being.” As a person experiencing returning to the workforce with a disability, I can assure you that it is a daunting task. A down right scary one at that.

I have previously stated that my pain is well controlled now and for that I could not be any more thrilled. I have also stated that I do very well as long as I don’t over-do it too much. Well, yesterday I did. I attended a combination job interview/job trial that kept me from home for too many hours. The drive time alone took one hour and 10 minutes ONE way. Then I had a brief interview/orientation and proceeded to carry out the tasks of the job for 8 hours.

As a nurse for 21 years, this job is something I have never done before. It is basically a quality control position. This pharmacy company provides pre-packed medications and blister packs for nursing homes, chronic care hospitals and retirement homes. In other words, it is a medication-packing factory. It is an extremely fast-paced environment as they provide this service not only for local places but also for nursing homes as far away as a 5 hour drive. Needless to say it is very busy. My job was to ensure that the pre-packaged medication that was sealed by the machine had the correct medication in it. Frankly, you would be surprised to see how many errors do in fact occur and therefore this quality control position is essential.

When I returned home last evening I felt one step away from dead. I fell asleep quite early and awoke feeling horrid pain that I have not experienced for a while. Still feeling exhausted this morning, it quickly became apparent that I had ‘over-done it’ and my body was screaming this at me in no uncertain terms. The manager of the pharmacy stated that he would contact me by the end of the week and let me know if I have the job. I need to work, as WSIB will no longer pay me beyond the end of the month, which is 7 days from now. So, what to do…

I didn’t mind the job at all, my only concern is whether or not I can actually be successful long-term in this position. Will I in time become better able to manage the job or will I fall on my face and fail miserably? I want to be the ‘Little Engine That Could,’ truly I do. There is much documentation regarding this topic and you may read a few of them here, here and here. I know many disabled and/or chronic pain sufferers have been successful in their careers and I would love to hear from anyone that has ever been in this type of situation in which I now find myself.

Take care and stay well,
J

THYROID THYROID THYROID....

2011-06-20T10:10:00.000-07:00

It has just occurred to me that it has been a long while since I posted anything about my thyroid or lack there of. In part, the reason for this was that I had bigger fish to fry lately. Does this mean that my thyroid issues are no longer causing problems? Well, yes and no. My thyroid was removed October of 2004. Thinking back on that time, I was absolutely terrified. Case in point, I recently found a message I posted to the Cancer Survivors Network via the American Cancer Society, which you may read here. I received some very good comments that helped put my mind at ease.

At that time, I had no idea how much of a difficult road it would be post-thyroidectomy. Unfortunately, I had little choice in the matter because my thyroid had been destroyed by radiation treatment for lymphoma many years prior. I didn’t lose my voice after the surgery and I was beyond ecstatic that the surgery went well and there were no complications until a bit later when they came in droves. Rather than reiterate all of the details, you may wish to read the article I posted here on Ulitzer. I suffered with all and several more of the listed symptoms except of course for the myxedema coma. If I had developed this issue I would likely not be on the planet any longer. The point is that I despite being a nurse for many years I had absolutely NO idea just how important this little gland is for every cell in the body. Also explained in the article is desiccated thyroid that turned out to be the answer to my ever-growing list of symptoms.

Almost 2 years ago to the day, I was invited to post a “Thyroidectomized Letter of Sadness” on the wonderful site “dearthyroid.org” which you will find here. It was a silly sort of letter but funny enough, that is how I felt and still feel. Regardless of medication, I miss my thyroid more than I could ever express. There are some great posts on the dearthyroid.org site that you really should read if you are having any type of thyroid problem. Laughter is and always will be the best medicine, well that and the proper thyroid medication of course…

Most importantly, I spent hours upon hours looking for thyroid information. I think I earned a PhD in thyroid from Mary Shomon. She is an exceptional patient advocate who also suffers with thyroid disease and has worked tirelessly to educate people. She has done amazing things for the thyroid community and her site is a great place to start. You will find pages and pages of excellent information at http://thyroid.about.com.

I suppose that I have come a long way since that early post of 2004 on the Survivors Network. However, I recently had a brief chat with Ms Shomon about the effects that menopause can have on the individual with thyroid problems. As it turns out, it plays a big role, which certainly explains why I have recently been experiencing symptoms I have not had for several years. (Yes, I am unfortunately that old now.) Mary has also written a book (among many others) on this specific topic, which I plan to purchase this week. To get me started however, I have been searching through her site about the impact of menopause on the thyroid. If you are at that “lovely age” approaching menopause, start here for more information from Mary. http://www.menopausethyroid.com.

So, this is basically my update regarding thyroid, because after all, my blog did start out as “Journey through Thyroidlessness.” I sincerely hope that some of this information and links will help my fellow thyroid disease sufferers.

Take care and stay well,
J

AH, THE UNCERTAINTY IS KILLING ME...

2011-06-19T14:50:00.000-07:00

I am not a naive fool, I realize that despite what I want to happen, I may not get my job back. I can prepare the case to the best of my ability however many things in life don't turn out the way we want them to. So, do I sit around waiting for the case and then make a move to a new job afterward or do I look for alternate work in the meantime? Frankly, my point was what if I start a new job and then my former employer is forced to take me back? I did not and still do not see it as fair to a new employer. But, I have still continued to send out my resume and attend job interviews as per WSIB.

When my employer discarded me, WSIB sent me through what they call the ‘Labour Market Re-entry’, program. This involved me attending a sort of job workshop operated by the Ontario March of Dimes. They are a group that advocates for the disabled. I truly did not want to go but frankly had no choice as it was a requirement from WSIB. As it turned out, it was not as bad as I thought it would be and the people running the program are very good at what they do. My issue with it all is that I don’t truly consider myself disabled anymore. My pain was my disability and now that it is controlled I am doing well. I realize the underlying issue still remains, however as long as I am careful and ensure I don’t overdo it, my pain is absent. That is all I wanted all along and what I struggled toward since the workplace injury occurred. I have nothing at all except praise for the March of Dimes. They are a kind-hearted bunch of lovely folks that encourage and help anyone with a disability. If nothing else I am a better person for having met them all.

At this point, I have been on several interviews and nothing has yet materialized. The most recent interview was as a nurse for a physician’s office, actually for two of them. I thought the interview went great and for the first time since I started this process, I actually could visualize myself working for these doctors and enjoying it for many years to come. Moreover, even working for them and caring a less if my Human Rights case against my previous employer went my way. Further to this, there is the issue of travel. There are few jobs in the little town in which I live and used to work and all of the interviews have been held in the closest city to me. This means a one hour drive one way. That was a big issue for me, as I did not wish to spend two hours of every day simply driving to and from work. Even so, I was still thinking positively about the doctors’ office position and truly felt as though I would enjoy the job despite the drive time required. But, I have not heard back from them yet. I wish I knew why.

My only concern with having the March of Dimes involved was the fact that they do follow-ups and assist potential employees with the job search. They contact employers regarding the particular issues effecting disabled individuals in the workplace. The fact that I do not consider myself ‘disabled’ anymore means I certainly do not bring it up with potential employers. If I felt it would effect my job performance in any way, I would speak up and explain the details of my injury. In several cases I have asked March of Dimes not to contact any employer on my behalf and I don’t believe they have. Therefore, I am at a loss as to why I have not yet found another job. Nurses are in short supply and I have never had a problem getting a job. Except for recently and frankly I don’t understand it. I have to keep telling myself that whatever is meant to be will be and perhaps it may well work out that I will be given my previous job back and won’t have to worry about all of these potential employers and interviews.

The bottom line is that I absolutely abhor all of this uncertainty. I simply want it all said and done. Whether I win my case or not and whether I will be working for my previous employer or a new one entirely, I just need it to happen soon. In the grand scheme of things this is not a horrible issue considering other challenges I’ve faced in the past. It’s just that for some reason the uncertainty of this situation just weighs very heavily upon me. I’m simply just a peace-loving individual and I want and need the peace that will come with the resolution of this situation.

Take care and stay well,
J

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY: Part 3 of the Lengthy "Back Story"

2011-06-14T08:08:00.000-07:00

And...so it continues...

November 1, 2010, after a normal workday I received a call from my manager. She stated: “I spoke to head office and they said you are not to come in. You are on ‘hold.’ After asking her what on earth that meant, she replied: “They just said to call you and tell you that you are on hold.” I then asked her to please find out exactly what that meant and to call me back when she knew. Well, I didn’t hear from her for several days so I contacted her again. She still had no rhyme or reason for their ‘on hold’ scenario. Every couple of days, I would call again and either ask her directly or leave her a voicemail. NO RESPONSE…My response did however arrive 2 weeks later in the form of a Record of Employment. They had decided that I represented too much of a risk to their bottom line.

They were chock full of the ‘what ifs’ and the financial risk to the company that they could care less about what they were doing to me. The day that the dismissal letter arrived, you seriously could have knocked me over with a feather. I WAS SHOCKED! I had no idea that this is what “on hold” actually meant. Now, I could understand them doing this if I had not been doing well over the past 7 months. Yet, I did absolutely great and never missed a day due to my injury or pain.

Prior to my successful return for the 7 months, I had tried to return to work repeatedly and failed each and every time because my pain was still too severe. Frankly, I could understand them discarding me after one of my numerous failed attempts, but to have me return and do well for 7 months and then cast me aside? I simply do not understand it at all. Anyone that I explain it to shakes his or her head as well. Further to this, it meant that I was again forced to deal with WSIB (workers comp) and that in itself is a big ole barrel of cherries, sour cherries at that!

So, this is why I started the Human Rights case. I do not think they should be allowed to literally BLINDSIDE an employee the way they did me. I am absolutely not the type of person that would ever launch a frivolous lawsuit and frankly I could care less about getting money out of them. I simply want them to give me my job back. Is that too much to ask? Well, apparently it is because they have hired some Human Rights lawyer that charges almost $3000.00/hr. For my side, well it’s just iddy bitty me. I’m no fancy lawyer and in fact I know very little about law, but I do know when my rights have been violated. I have already told them that I have no interest in this case and that I don’t even want money. I just want the job I love back! Most people think I am crazy for wanting to work for this company again. But for me, it isn’t about the employer. It is the job. I love community nursing and always will. It would be awesome if there was another agency in the area that offered home care but right now, Bayshore is the only one. I don’t do it for the employer, I do what I do for the patients. The company is largely irrelevant as I have always loved community nursing.

The most pathetic part of this is the latest documents that I have received regarding their reply are full of lies. Believe it or not, outright blatant lies! I have always been honest, sometimes honest to a fault and would never lie about something as serious as this. Apparently the Human Rights Tribunal can force them to take me back and it is my fervent hope that they will do exactly that. What they have done is wrong! If I win my case, it will also be publicized and perhaps then they will realize that they can not dispose of injured employees like yesterday’s garbage. Unfortunately, this in not the first time they have done this to an injured worker and quite frankly it is a downright disgrace.

At this point, I have just replied to the lies in their documents and apparently they are to respond again to me and then the case will commence. As much as I don’t want to go through this, it needs to be done, not just for me but for all the present and/or future employees of this company. Wrong is wrong right?

Take care and stay well,
J

P.S. Presently, because I have no idea how long it will take for my case to come up, I have been forced by WSIB to look for work. Interviews abound…fun, real fun…

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY: Part 2 of the Lengthy "Back Story"

2011-06-14T07:58:00.000-07:00

April of 2010 was an awesome month for me. I finally achieved what I had wanted since my workplace injury on November 2007. (For anyone that does not wish to read older posts, I was injured trying to catheterize a 500-pound woman). After a couple of months of working on getting my pain medication to an optimal level, I was ready, willing and able to return to work. Frankly, I had long ago resigned myself to the fact that I would never be able to function well at all, never mind returning to work. But, I did. I was literally more excited than a small child on Christmas Eve…

My employer, Bayshore Home Health, decided that I would be ‘buddied’ up with another nurse to ensure that I was able to carry out the tasks of the job. It had been 3 years and so I thought that was quite a reasonable plan. I knew I was atrophied and would need to build up my strength. It would afford me the opportunity to slowly work my way up to becoming independent again. Good plan right? I was told that this was only a temporary measure, that once I was able to build up my stamina I would be given my own caseload to take care of as I had done for years.

After a couple of months travelling along with my fellow nurse, I was doing great and had not encountered anything in the community nursing environment that I was unable to do. Both my colleague and I reported to our manager that I was doing well and was more than ready to be out in the community on my own. Every week or so, we reported the same thing and always received the same reply from the manager: “Just a little while longer until your doctor and head office says you can be on your own.” So, I shut my mouth, continued to work Monday through Friday without a problem. None whatsoever!

In hopes of removing my need for a ‘babysitter’ my physician filled out a report stating that I could see patients on my own. However, because of my injury, she stated that I should only see patients requiring lighter type care. For example task such as: changing dressings, taking blood pressures, giving injections. Unfortunately, my employer was apparently thinking that my physician was going to clear me for any and all possible patient care. Anyone with a lick of sense would realize that after an injury that incapacitated me for 3 years, a doctor would never give full clearance. After all that had happened, she would have been a fool to say, “Yes, you have free reign, go do whatever they ask you to.” They expected me to be able to jump back in and provide nursing care to anyone even 500 pound patients. Just a tad bit unreasonable?

The very sad part about it all is that my employer was warned that this particular patient situation was an accident waiting to happen. I had my manager come into the home to assess it for herself and after promising to get more assistance, she ended up just telling me to “Be careful.” All of the other nurses had already refused to nurse this patient due to the risk, yet I, feeling guilty that she would be left without care could not say no…A nurse with a heart, working for a company that could care less about their employees. Am I a fool or what?

Please stay tuned as part 3 is to be posted today as well.

Take care and stay well,
J

JUST A SIDE NOTE...

2011-05-29T14:18:00.000-07:00

I was just reading a few old posts and could not help but see the HUGE contrast in where I was both physically and mentally at that time compared to now. If you read my most recent entry: "The Good the Bad and the Ugly", part 1 and compare it to the entry dated September 16/09 entitled "Know When to Fold Em," you will see what a miracle truly looks like. Clearly I was in a bad place at that time.

I will begin on part 2 this week of "The Good the Bad and the Ugly" and this contrast is worth mentioning only so that it will be clear that after struggling for so long to improve and return to work, I was finally successful...The very fact that I have come so far only to be discarded by my employer is even more heartbreaking. In part 2 I will go into more detail of what has occurred regarding the Human Rights case but even before that I welcome prayers that the case will go in my favor.

See you soon for Part 2.

Take care and stay well.
J

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY: Part 1 of the Lengthy "Back Story"

2011-05-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

Once again I must apologize for my absence. This time however, I have a reason...I have been jumping through the many WSIB (Workplace Safety and Insurance Board) hoops. To begin, anyone that knows me is well aware of the nightmare I have dealt with regarding chronic pain. In the past, if anyone were to tell me that I would actually be successful in controlling my pain and again have my 'life' back I would have believed them insane. Though, that is exactly what happened.

Based upon the recommendations from a pain specialist, my lovely physician decided to try me on the Fentanyl patch.* (A very dangerous narcotic, but exceptionally effective when used correctly and safely.) It turned out to be an absolute miracle for me. Normally my pain level on a scale of 1-10 was at least 7 at rest and rose well above 10 with any physical activity. I had become a completely non-functioning chronic pain poster child. I had always been an upbeat happy individual and never dreamed that I would become depressed and suicidal. But, I did. Chronic pain can do that to even the most jovial person. It was a combination of the pain and my inability to function. I truly felt like a useless piece of garbage. As a nurse for many years I was always in the caregiver role, not the care receiving and had my identity all wrapped up in being a nurse. What was I now? Thank the Lord that I had not followed through with my suicide plan, as just when I reached my darkest hour, my miracle arrived.

It did require some 'tweaking' but, within 2 weeks, I was pain free. PAIN FREE!!! Anyone that suffers with chronic pain day in and day out can certainly appreciate just how difficult it is to control it and many poor individuals never reach that point. My pain level is now 0/10 and only when I really overdo it does it come back but even then, it is only 1 to 3 out of 10.

Finally I had my life back. I could again attend social events, visit friends and family, participate in the day to day necessities which previously all fell upon my poor husband's shoulders. Not only that, I was able to return to the job I loved with all my heart as a community nurse. My identity restored, I was ecstatic and felt on top of the world, well for 7 months anyway. After 7 months of working without incident, my employer, Bayshore Home Health, decided that they would dispose of me because I represented a future risk of re-injury, therefore it was about liability and the potential loss of money. The bottom line is always about money isn't it?

After months and months for persevering and struggling to return to normal functioning, I was discarded like a piece of rotted fruit. The details of what has since occurred are somewhat lengthy so I shall leave that for part 2 & 3 of the 'back story'.

As a little preview, it involves a Human Rights case initiated by me and a 'promise' to Bayshore that I will not go away quietly.

Until then, take care and stay safe.
J

P.S. Come back soon, the story is just getting good.

I AM REALLY STILL ALIVE

2011-04-21T13:21:00.000-07:00

I have finally made my way back online. The primary reason was computer issues and the financial inability to purchase another. At last I have a new one, an HP laptop this time...boo to Acer!

So much has happened both health related and not. I believe it will take 4-5 entries to get up to date and plan to start writing this weekend. I apologize for being such a bad, absentee blogger and hope my readers will forgive me and return again. Please :0)

Be back real soon, really I will!

Take care,
Jeannette

A LITTLE FRUSTRATED...

2010-01-14T07:26:00.000-08:00

I thought I owed my faithful readers another update and certainly an apology regarding being MIA...Unfortunately, things with the laptop did not go well. As you know, I sent it into the Acer Repair Depo via Purolator. I suppose that was mistake number one-however hindsight and all that...

Anyhow, my laptop apparently arrived at Acer with a BROKEN SCREEN. It was sent in for a problem with overheating. Now Acer in their grand wisdom, documented the broken screen and promptly returned it to me via Fed-Ex. (Of course nothing was done about the overheating-which is somewhat irrelevant now anyhow.)

I contacted Purolator and informed them that my laptop screen had obviously been damaged while in transit. They immediately informed me that because Acer sent it back, the insurance I purchased was then VOID. I was told that it should have remained at the Acer Depo and they then send a person out to view the damage before they allow a claim. Now, one would assume that Acer should know such information and be aware that they have virtually voided the Purolator insurance and left me empty-handed. I can not begin to explain how upset I am at both Acer and Purolator.

I waited patiently for my laptop to be repaired and here I am with not only an overheating issue but now a broken screen to top it off. Neither Acer nor Purolator is accepting responsibility for this which leaves me presently without a laptop. Those that have followed my blog, know that due to my workplace injury, money is quite an issue. I have no clue when or if I will be able to pay to replace the screen or wait until the day comes that I can purchase a new one.

To be perfectly honest, I am not sure I wish to own an Acer after what they have done. I have infrequently been using the PC I have here-however that poses a couple of issues. First-it is very slow and frustrates the life out of me-and second-the entire reason for having a laptop was so that I could lie in bed and manage my pain without sitting at a desk with the PC.

What can I say...Caveat emptor...this buyer will certainly beware from this point forward. Thanks Acer-you've been awesome!

I WILL BE OFFLINE FOR A SHORT WHILE...

2009-10-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to update my readers. I was recently hospitalized yet again for severe dehydration. I waited too long to go to the ER and felt like death was upon me when I arrived. Still a bit weak however slowly recovering.

I have been putting off essential repairs to my laptop however it absolutely MUST be taken care of now before my warranty is void. So, depending upon how long these repairs take I will be offline for a short while. I have committed to getting back to at least one blog post per week minimum once I have my computer returned.

Until then, take care and stay well,
J

FUNDRAISING FOR ME BY WONDERFUL PEOPLE...

2009-09-27T17:25:00.000-07:00

**Everyone** PLEASE have a look at this site doing a wonderful thing for me:0) They sell Healthy Chocolate! They are doing fundraising for me! I could not believe it and how helpful and generous they have been! I have read and watched videos about it myself and it is pretty amazing stuff. Please take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with the benefits of this product. If you wish to try it or learn more about it please contact Guy by email or telephone as per http://bit.ly/3uKRj6

It will help with certain types of treatment not covered by OHIP such as acupuncture and traveling etc. to such treatments. The other benefit is a possible 'new job' for me. Those of you that know me, know that I have been unsuccessful at returning to my nursing job, a job I dearly loved. Another benefit of this fundraising is that if it does well, I will be able to become an 'independent' and sell it myself. There are some start up costs involved, minimal mind you but when you are disabled, unable to work and have little income it seems a lot. I would love the opportunity to sell this great product myself and I think it may go a long way in helping me mend from the loss of a beloved job.

This is certainly not a sales pitch nor any pressure to purchase. Please do not feel obligated in anyway...only to treat it as any other fundraiser that you feel would be worthwhile. I would truly appreciate any assistance you could offer at this attempt in fundraising.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read.

**I will be back soon with the promised nerve block article-as a matter of fact I am traveling yet again to the specialist for another one. Be back soon.

Take care and stay well,
J

KNOW WHEN TO FOLD EM...

2009-09-16T09:30:00.000-07:00

I know I stated that my next blog post would be about nerve blocks and in fact the one following this will be rather than vice versa. There are a couple of reasons why I have changed the order a little. 1) For me, my blog at times is a method to purge things that are bothering me, similar to why a person may write a journal. 2) I have had many people asking me how I am coping with my return to work and this post will certainly answer that question.

Several weeks ago, I received a visit from a very pleasant lady at WSIB and her job is to assist the injured worker in returning to work. She is to formulate a plan and remove the real or potential obstacles to a successful return to work. I liked her, truly I did, still do in fact. She seemed to be a very caring individual and I was pleased to finally be treated well by someone at WSIB. I will admit, I was rather unnerved and pretty much scared to death at returning after an almost 2 year absence. However, never afraid of a challenge, I agreed to return and try my best.I always give everything I attempt my very best. Bottom line, I have tried with everything I had in me. But, I am failing...miserably.

As soon as I return from work each day, I immediately go to bed. I remain there until around dinner time and stay up until it is time for my son to go to bed. At which point, I too return to bed. The increase in pain subsequent to the increased activity has again lead to a lack of restful sleep. Then of course the fatigue sets in and ensures that my pain feels worse than ever. It is a horribly vicious circle that I have found myself entangled in many times since the injury occurred.

As the months have flown by, I found myself feeling more and more useless. I did want to return, simply to perhaps feel like a functioning human being again. The saddest part is that, despite stating so, my employer does not really have any “light duty” work. They are a nursing agency and all of the work takes place in the community. This unfortunately, left me sitting in a chair, reading the same literature repeatedly day after day. Without a source of distraction, my pain was absolutely horrible. I need to be distracted on some level, otherwise I feel every pain elevated to an intolerable level and I watch the clock.

It was then decided that I would go out to the community with the other nurses. I was thrilled at that prospect if for no other reason than to get out of the office. My reaction to these “outings” shocked me more than I could ever explain. Due to my injury and limited ability, basically I was just watching and doing paper work. I actually did a couple of blood pressures and respiratory assessments, however beyond that, I felt like the fifth wheel. As I mentioned many times before, I loved my job. From the bottom of my heart and soul that is the God’s honest truth. Nursing never felt like work to me and my entire identity was and is wrapped around being a nurse.

I thought I had resigned myself to the fact that I would no longer be able to carry out the nursing activities that in the past were simply second nature to me. I sobbed each time I arrived home after being out in the community. I choked it back while out but let loose at home. It was the type of sobbing that seems to come up from the feet. A deep painful cry of an injured animal is how I sounded. There it was, in my face, black and white: I can no longer do these basic nursing tasks. I will never be able to return to regular nursing duties and the job I so loved. Clearly, I had not accepted this reality. I don’t want to accept it. Yet, outside of a miracle occurring, it is that very reality that slapped me in the face.

I want my old life back. I am tired of suffering with pain 24/7. I want to be like healthy people that get up each morning and go to work and lead productive lives. It breaks my heart that I found the career that made me feel as though I was not “working.” (Find a job that you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.) I had that and I recognized just how fortunate I was to have found it. All that I ever wanted was to make a difference in the lives of others with my time here on earth. I was. I did. I made a difference to my patients. I cared and they knew it. I truly could not imagine a more fulfilling and important career on the planet. I had it all in front of me and now, I simply can not do it. God help me, I just can’t.

Now, you can be sure that WSIB will not take the same view as I. They think that pain or no pain I must return. Pain is subjective and therefore non-measurable and this means that my pain is not a factor in any decision-making. Unfortunately, subjective or not-it is my reality. So much so that when I push myself as I have been doing recently, I vomit. Violently. My body is screaming-“I hurt and STOP what you are doing.” But instead of heeding, I kept pushing. I have done my best to put my head down and trudge through the pain and do what I have been instructed to do but now I am waving the white flag. I know this will mean going back to struggling to feed my son due to no money, however, I haven't a choice now. I am not much of a gambler, I prefer sure things, however, I’ve given it my all regardless of what any adjudicator or board believes and now I must stop pushing myself. It is time to “fold em and walk away.” Walk away...Walk and not run, simply because I can no longer run. :0(

Kenny Rogers: The Gambler
You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin when the dealins done.

Take care and stay well,
J X0

COMING SOON....NERVE BLOCKS

2009-08-30T18:20:00.001-07:00

Firstly, I must apologize for being an absentee blogger...so much has happened lately and with my poor health, I have simply been exhausted.

Please come back soon for my article on nerve blocks. I recently received one that I plan to discuss in detail. This will be of real interest to anyone with chronic pain.

Take care & stay well,
J

JUST A QUICK UPDATE...

2009-08-02T16:27:00.000-07:00

I know I am very overdue for a new blog post among other things...I spent a frustrating week or so off-line, unable to determine why my wireless connection did not work on my laptop. Due to my pain level, I can not sit in the computer chair to work on the PC, so I generally lie or sit in bed with the laptop. That is until it would not work. As it turns out, there is a function key that will turn off or on the laptop's ability to connect to a wireless signal.

I had read that perhaps there was a switch on it. There was not. I tried every key on the keyboard, hoping I did not further mess it up. I did. Even my owner's manual did not tell me how to remedy the issue. Useless book! I never said I was a tech-type person...however, my eldest son, Brian called to talk and when I told him of my issues, he suggested a certain key along with the shift button and voila, I was back.
I did not realize what an internet addiction I had until I could not participate in my usual online activities. So glad to be back!

On another note, those of you that know me from Facebook, will have noticed I am no longer there either. A few weeks ago, my Facebook account was hacked and some nasty criminal posing as me, began asking my friends for money. Luckily no one fell for it but in my panic rather than change passwords etc. I deleted my account and have since been unable to access Facebook. I may try again in the future but for now, I have been frustrated enough with good old Facebook. It is not bad enough that my account was allowed to be compromised but then, it is all but impossible to find someone to talk to about it at Facebook or any help at all with gaining access to my old or a new account.

So, I will return very shortly with a "real" blog post-until then, I wanted everyone to know what had happened.

Take care & stay well,
J

I THINK, THEREFORE I AM...NOT IN PAIN...

2009-07-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

Most people are aware of the potential power of the mind & in particular the role of the 'power of positive thinking' to make changes in a specific area of one's life. This belief has been around for years, even before the book "The Power of Positive Thinking" came to be, up until present day. The popularity of the "The Secret" and the role the Law of Attraction can play in life is not a new concept either. But do you believe in this theory and more specifically, can positive thinking help play a role in pain management?

Personally, I believe the human mind holds immense power of such an intensity that we as mere mortals, lack the ability to fully comprehend. In my 20 years of nursing, I have seen many people basically give-up, lie down & die because a doctor had given them a poor prognosis and they believed it lock, stock & barrel. That is one of the reasons I think it is a huge mistake to give a patient an answer to the question: "How much time do I have?" There is no answer to that question, simply because no one knows exactly when we will die...Does this mean that all serious illness will not lead to death? Of course not. I am not saying that all disease can be cured with the power of the mind, although it certainly plays an important role. Simply put, positive thinking plays a large role & no one should ever give someone a time limit on how long they will live.

There have been many documented cases of people dying exactly to the day after a doctor had stated how long they had to live. Therefore, if we can be told how much time we have left and internalize it so much that it becomes reality-so then we should be able to affect change in a positive manner as well.

I know that on the days when my pain is particularly overwhelming, I feel worse in every way possible...physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and so on. Feeling worse also leads to vocalizing just how tired I am of suffering. This just perpetuates the negative thought cycle and the pain seems to remain at a heightened level for an extended period of time. However, if I am in a somewhat positive mood, or even a neutral mood & distracted, working on an article for example, I am also aware that the pain does not 'seem' as severe.

The very fact that there is a lot of research being done regarding the deleterious effects of stress on our health, should clearly indicate that our thoughts & emotions play a large role in our health. We need to have a positive mind-set in general to accomplish the goals we set for ourselves. This is the exact reason why 'life coaches' are so popular now. It is easy to set goals, it is another story to actually stay positively on task as we attempt to accomplish them. We, as human beings seem to struggle with the concept of positive thinking and actually remaining positive when what we strive for does not immediately arrive. Most of us, have real trouble delaying gratification.

I have personally tried "positive thinking" to control my pain, many times in fact. The problem being however, I backslide rather quickly when I do not see immediate results. One of the ways to combat this and remain in the positive thinking mind-set is to participate in a treatment known as: Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). This therapy aims to stop the negative self-talk related to past experiences & instead replace it with a more positive, "living in the moment" type attitude. When it comes to coping with chronic pain, living in the moment is essential. The moment you begin obsessing about a future filled with pain you feel immediately defeated.

We may not be able to take away our suffering & the chronic pain we deal with each and every day, however, positive thinking clearly plays a very large role in how we cope with it. Above & beyond dealing with chronic pain via analgesics, it is definitely worthwhile to search out each & every alternative treatment available including psychological help. Treatments such as CBT may be exactly what you need to say: "I THINK, THEREFORE I AM *NOT* IN PAIN.

Wishing you a positive thinking, pain-free day,
J

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE CHRONIC ILLNESS WHEN...

2009-07-06T07:42:00.000-07:00

I didn't expect to be posting again so soon, however I found something that I think may amuse those of you with chronic illness/chronic pain etc.

I did not have my sad green eyes open even three minutes this morning when that nasty silver jagged ball began spinning through my field of vision. For those of you that don't know much about migraines, what I experienced is called an aura. I have not had a migraine in a year, actually almost a year to the day. I used to get them frequently but after an entire year passed, I had thought they were gone for good...you know what thought did??? Silly naive fool...

Now then, back to the reason for this post: I decided to surf the net, looking for things to distract myself from the vise so tightly squeezing my brain and came upon invisibleillneesweek.com. The article entitled YOU KNOW YOU HAVE CHRONIC ILLNESS WHEN.... actually had me laughing out loud despite the pain in my head. I thought perhaps my fellow sufferers could also enjoy a good laugh.

Take care everyone-hope it makes you giggle,
J

WHAT ABOUT US...THOSE WITH LEGITIMATE CHRONIC PAIN???

2009-07-04T08:14:00.000-07:00

Unless you have been living under a rock, no doubt you have heard about the death of Michael Jackson and the issue of his death being related to narcotic abuse. To top it off, there has also been a recommendation via the FDA committee to decrease the amount of acetaminophen allowed per day and further to also take combination drugs such as Vicodin and Percocet off the market.

Michael Jackson is certainly not the 1st celebrity to die as a result of narcotic abuse and he will likely not be the last. As sad and tragic as his death is, all of the controversy has only fostered a terrible fear in those that suffer with legitimate chronic pain, myself included.

Previous to my workplace injury, I did not have so much as a bottle of Tylenol or even aspirin in my home. As a teenager, I did not take drugs of any sort and did not allow myself to be influenced by peer pressure. That attitude carried on through to adulthood. Now, however, as a sufferer of chronic pain 24/7, without my medication, I can not function at all. In fact, without it, I can not get out of bed or even out of the fetal position as a result of the horrid pain. It has also lead to depression that I struggle with and has brought me to the point of feeling suicidal. Really scary stuff...

I have never been the type of person to even remotely contemplate ending my life, however, the pain is so very consuming that it drains the life right out of me. Anyone that suffers with chronic pain will understand exactly what I am saying. I do not wish to take these analgesics, and in fact wish I didn't need to, however the reality is, if I do not I have no quality of life whatsoever. Now, I as well as many others, risk losing access to the medications that allow us to somewhat function, and that my dear readers scares me to death, literally!

I have to assume that there is the potential for determining a method to ensure better safety with regard to taking narcotics. There has always been and will likely continue to be those whose only goal is to get "high" off of these drugs. Those with real pain however, their only goal is to obtain relief from the unrelenting pain that they live with daily. I have never felt the so called 'high' that others chase after. I have often said I wished I did, at least then I'd be enjoying myself amid all the suffering...Bottom line though-I simply just want relief from the pain.

I think with all of the issues surrounding these meds, it is about time that more research was done. Why not work toward finding an effective method of pain control that does not have all of the side-effects, including addiction. If there was a medication that decreased my pain and did not have the potential for addiction or any other side-effect, I would be first in line to try it.

There should also be stricter safe-guards put in place to make sure that those taking these drugs are taking them exactly as prescribed. I have never been asked to give blood or urine to assess the level of narcotics in my body. I would however, have no objection to being asked to do this. It certainly would be a great way to "weed out" those whose only goal is to get "high." It would be easy to tell if they were hiding something based upon their reaction to being asked to supply a blood or urine sample.

Clearly, I don't have all the answers and I don't know what the resolution is to this growing problem. I do believe though that if some effort was put into it, positive changes could be implemented without the risk of those suffering with chronic pain losing access to the meds that allow them quality of life. Anyone with chronic pain knows that it effects each and every facet of their lives and the meds that allow them some relief are ESSENTIAL. Without access to them, I have no doubt that the suicide rate would increase exponentially...

Be back soon. Until then take care and I wish for you-*good pain control* :>)
J

NOT MY ARTICLE-HOWEVER-REALLY LIKED THIS ONE-PLEASE CLICK LINK TO READ

2009-06-28T07:43:00.000-07:00

Thus far, I have written everything myself on my blog. However, I came upon this article entitled: "Five Simple Words to Keep Chronic Illness at Bay" written by Madeleine Parish, and liked it so much that I would love the readers of my blog to see it. I also loved the graphic above, those with chronic illness will recognize some if not all of the insensitive things people say to those with a chronic illness.

Be back soon,
J

DEAR THYROID...

2009-06-20T15:59:00.000-07:00

I have been invited to submit a letter to my thyroid via this funny and interesting site.

My "Dear Thyroid" letter can now be found here.

(Ok, my dear readers, so I know that was silly...but I do really miss my thyroid
Can you tell?)
Be back soon,
J

"IN SICKNESS & IN HEALTH"...OR JUST IN SICKNESS?

2009-06-15T06:09:00.000-07:00

I read a statistic recently that stated the divorce rate is 75% where a chronic illness is present in either the husband or wife. This statistic originates from the National Health Interview Survey and is found all over the internet and beyond. Frankly, those results scare the hell out of me! Clearly, when "in sickness and in health" turns into just sickness, the stress on the marriage is enormous.

Of course, when we marry, we are bleary eyed and naive and never think about things like that. We will always be blissfully in love and nothing will ever change that...then in roars chronic illness. At that point, the chronic nature of the illness rewrites the script of your relationship. Roles change and plans for the future fall by the wayside. Every aspect of your marriage is effected: work and finances, chores, social life and sex are all different. Nothing looks the way it started out and the stress upon the marriage becomes overwhelming.

I met my husband while on vacation in Jamaica, several months after the suicide of my 1st husband. The last thing I was looking for was a relationship. But...I fell hard and fast, I was so madly in love and knew immediately that I had just met the man of my dreams, the person that I would spend many happy years with. There were several wonderful years, and then everything changed. Don't get me wrong, my husband still loves me dearly, as I do him, however, the stress on our marriage can no longer be hidden. We never fought, not ever, and people would jokingly state that our marriage made them "sick" as we were always lovingly gazing at each other and never would a cruel word leave our lips.

My husband states that he understands, and always bends over backward to try and help me with absolutely everything. The problem is however, his entire focus is me and doing all that he can for me, all the time. This approach has simply just worn him ragged, he is beyond exhausted in every way and I feel guilty...very guilty. I tell him very often that he should leave and find someone else to spend his life with, someone healthy. My intent is not a cruel one, simply that I love him and want him to live a normal life, one without all this extra stress and heartache. He gets very angry when I say that. I simply just feel that he did not "sign on for this" and being stuck with a sick wife is just not fair.

My husband has been coping fairly well, up until recently that is. Now, his stress level has peaked to the point where we are at risk for ending up as part of that 75% divorce rate statistic. He has tried to do it all, taking up the slack for me and he simply can not do it anymore. There needs to be better coping strategies put in place so that he can continue to cope and I can find a way to not feel so guilty for the extra stress put upon him. I have searched long and hard for methods to cope and have found a couple of things so far. This article and this one.

Above and beyond that--I think perhaps couples counselling may be helpful too. I have a hard time accepting and coping myself, but for my husband, he needs just as much, if not more support than I do. Here's to all the loving caregivers out there that do their very best to be supportive spouses to their ill partners!

J

I HAVE HOPE AGAIN!!!

2009-06-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

Clearly from a couple of my recent posts, it is apparent that I had reached a very bad place. A very dark place where all hope was gone and surely to never return. Losing hope is a very dangerous place to be...however yesterday, I came to realize that there is still reason to hope.

I saw a new doctor, who is an MD/Chiropractor. Before even speaking with him, I noticed a large poster in his waiting room that jumped right out at me. It was divided into 3 parts. The 1st: a picture of someone holding an enormous handful of pills, the 2nd: a picture of a surgeon holding a scalpel, and 3rd: a picture of a doctor providing a treatment that states: "I won't prescribe meds to mask symptoms,I won't do surgery that can worsen your condition, MY GOAL IS TO FIND THE PROBLEM AND FIX IT." Imagine that, someone that wants to try and FIX the problem, what a novel idea...

He did a scan of my entire back, muscles, nerves, spinal cord/vertebrae etc. This initally had the potential to devastate me even further, as the results were bad! Really bad, even worse than he or I had initially thought. I did at least derive a better understanding of why my pain is so horrid and uncontrolled, and as he explained it all to me, I was fighting back the tears yet again...

I have been so emotionally fragile lately, bordering on suicidal that I was profoundly scared to hear anymore bad news. However, I struggled to get one sentence out. "Can you help me and fix it?" He said YES!!! Now, I am not so gullible to not recognize that he could possibly just be telling me what exactly what I wanted to hear, however what he explained next is what gave me my hope back.

He explained of course that he would do his very best which is always a nice thing to hear. He stated that he has seen several people with scans almost exactly like mine. All of them had a significant decrease in their pain after his treatment. While I may be somewhat unrealistic in wanting to be 100% pain-free, he assured me that he would be able to make a very noticeable decrease in my suffering. The pain has been so horrific that any decrease in pain would be wonderful, and so I have kicked my negativity and giving-up mindset to the curb and am positively focused on whatever amount of recovery I can obtain.

Where the hope snuck back in was in the fact that I have only gotten worse over the past year or so, with no improvement whatsoever and nothing but bad news over and over again. Now, no matter the percentage of improvement, I know that it will result in a decrease of some amount of my suffering. I'd love 100% recovery, even 50%however, 5%, 10% or whatever it may end up being, it is at least a measure of improvement rather than continuing to go downhill.

It does unfortunately mean a one hour drive there and another hour back, but I would go to the ends of the earth for any amount of relief. I will continue to post updates about my treatment and recovery that may offer hope to someone else going through the same thing and in the meantime it sure is great to say: HELLO AGAIN HOPE, I'M SO GLAD YOU'VE COME BACK...
J :>)

SUPPORT FOR THOSE INJURED IN THE WORKPLACE

2009-05-30T09:05:00.000-07:00

Recently, I posted a message to the Injured Workers All Across Canada site and unfortunately, it was not a very nice one. In my last blog post, I spoke of acceptance and I do believe I pushed myself a bit too quickly in attempting to accept what has happened. I do still realize that acceptance is paramount if I am to move on, however, now I think it needs to be accomplished in baby steps.

I had a meltdown, a major meltdown. I was ready to throw in the towel and give up, I had my plan, all in place, and 2 minutes before I completed it, I called my husband home from work instead. Chronic pain has the ability to make a person go mad, literally. If you combine that with the abuse of WSIB you have yourself a recipe for disaster. I still can not believe how in Canada, a compassionate country, our government allows this to go on. I actually read a statistic recently that stated people with chronic pain are 50% more likely to commit suicide. Now, being on the receiving end of a suicide, I know the resultant pain it causes, yet, I was in a very dark place. It is the compounding effect of pain, WSIB abuse, financial stress, marital issues related to the stress of it all and just plain old exhaustion.

I am not there now, however,I am profoundly aware that I remain at risk. I am taking the steps I need to take in order to cope with it all and meanwhile, I am so grateful for the people with chronic pain and/or workplace injuries that have provided such caring support. I do now commit to putting my energy into fighting these WSIB SOBs and not allowing them to take me to that very dark place again!

J

ACCEPTANCE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING...

2009-05-25T06:27:00.000-07:00

To Jeanne-For opening my eyes to what I need to do next, Thank you.

I just realized, as in the last few days, that I had not reached a point of acceptance yet regarding my injury, illness and chronic pain. I was mentally fighting it every step of the way, because to me acceptance made it real. So real that I did not want to see the reality of just how much my life has changed.

I was looking at pictures of myself before it all happened, when I was strong, healthy and able to take on the world. I was thinking about how I would work out in the gym 5 or 6 days a week, go to school, hold down 2 jobs and take care of my children, the house etc. I just realized that instead of praying for a miracle and asking for my "old" life back, I should have been asking for strength and acceptance. This inability to look at my life realistically left me frozen in place, a stalemate between me and reality. No wonder I could not move forward. I was stuck in the past. Literal inertia!

All human unhappiness comes from not facing reality squarely, exactly as it is. ~Buddha

I have one person to thank for this new realization, a lovely woman named Jeanne who has suffered with chronic illness for 27 years. I came upon her via Twitter and not only is she fantastically supportive but she wrote several statements that have been ringing through my head ever since she sent them, three in particular 1)Everything happens for a reason, 2)Your years as a nurse were NOT wasted. No one can take that life experience away from you no matter what! I know it's hard! 3)Takes time to adapt to situation, grieve the losses, find the new purpose. But you can do it! I can already tell that. You are stronger than you probably think.

1) I too believe that everything happens for a reason, I was just so stuck that I could not open myself up to it.

2) I was feeling as though my years of nursing and related education were a waste, if I was no longer able to practise nursing. I now see that it was a spectacular learning experience. I learned so much from my fellow human beings about suffering, particularly in the face of adversity. I saw grace at the most of devastating diagnosis'. I learned how to be compassionate and sympathetic. Which are clearly wonderful attributes to have!

3) I refused to grieve for my lost life, career and future. I now see that I will never find my new purpose until I go through that phase of grief, albeit painful it is a necessary evil in order to move on. Yes, Jeanne, you are right, I am stronger than I think. I have experienced some pretty dreadful things in my life and I got through them. The suicide of my 1st husband and business bankruptcy leading to homelessness and hunger just to name a few. I survived it, it was tough but I did. I know I will survive this too.

May everyone reach this sense of acceptance,
J

TO READERS OF MY BLOG

2009-05-22T07:40:00.000-07:00

To those taking the time to read my blog-thank you so very much for taking time out of your busy day to read my thoughts. I appreciate each and every one of you.

Please leave me comments on any of the posts, so that I can determine if I am on the right track with what I post.

Thank you again to everyone. Please keep coming back! I'll do my best to post interesting topics.

J

PRAY YOU NEVER GET INJURED ON THE JOB!

2009-05-19T15:08:00.000-07:00

Up until this point, I have not written much about my workplace injury and subsequent dealings with the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board, herein known as WSIB. The simple reason for my avoidance of this touchy subject is that the topic upsets me terribly. I'm talking rapid heart-rate, sweaty palms, I think I might vomit kind of upset. I'm not the only one either. A simple google search will bring up thousands, or rather hundreds of thousands of sites indicating the exact same experience with these so called, 'worker's compensation boards'. I use the word compensation lightly as compensate they most certainly DO NOT. Torture and emotionally beat down, yes, but compensate definitely not.

Back early in the 1900's these boards were developed to assist injured workers but today they are nothing more than insurance companies hell bent on denying claims and saving money. They do everything in their power to search for even the slightest of inaccuracies that they can use against the injured worker and use it they do. Until I had to deal with them, I had no idea just how cruel and cold-hearted they could really be. My initial conversation with my adjudicator was lovely. She informed me that she was there to help me and do everything within her power to assist in my recovery and return to work. Hell yes, she was great, awesome in fact. She would ensure that I was offered every resource available, I was not to worry my pretty little head, she would have everything taken care of and I was to simply focus on my recovery. Sounds wonderful doesn't it? Well, it was wonderful, for the first couple of weeks. Even my employer was great for the first few weeks. Then everyone did an about-face and turned on me like they do every injured worker.

They assume everyone is a fraud. There is no innocent until proven guilty here...you are just guilty and playing up your injury. But who in their right mind would set themselves up for such torture if they didn't have to? Trust me, if I were able, I would be back a work, immediately. I have my nursing, university undergrad community health, plus every nursing and health related course available. I have been a nurse for 20 years and loved every minute of it. If I could I would be there in a heartbeat! Without it, I feel empty.

My physician filled out a report August of 2008 stating my limitations and that if I were to attempt modified duty yet again, I was to have a place to lie down and rest when the pain became too much. It was faxed to my employer with a cover page specifically asking if they could provide this. I heard nothing. Not a hi, goodbye or kiss my arse. I was basically ignored for the past 9 months with of course no lost wages or back-pay being offered.

Recently, I asked my lawyer to formulate a letter stating that I have done everything by the book and they have pretty much ignored me. Well, that did it. My employer called today for the 1st time in 9 months asking for another report stating my limitations. The doctor wrote exactly the same thing as last time and so here I wait, wondering if they will accomodate me. They are actually required by law to provide any accomodations necessary to allow me to return. They were after all the ones that ignored the danger in my workplace that lead to this injury. The problem is, in my tiny little town here, we also have a tiny little satellite office that barely houses 2 desks. Where they would put a cot or bed is beyond me. I would only be doing paperwork and other light duties anyhow. As far as nursing goes, I will never work as a nurse again, and that my dear readers, breaks my heart! If they only knew...or cared.

I'll return shortly with an update as to what they plan to do with me next.

Until then, take care and PLEASE don't get injured on the job,
J

HEALTH ARTICLES I'VE WRITTEN FOR THE NEWSPAPER-- FIVE OF MANY CLIPPINGS

2009-05-16T17:48:00.001-07:00

CHRONIC PAIN=SHRINKING BRAIN...

2009-05-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

Something else in research news to look forward to. The latest study indicates that those with fibromyalgia (or any type of chronic pain) seem to develop a problem with shrinking of the brain. Actually, that explains a lot. I thought my brain fog was caused by suffering and poor sleep 24/7, when in fact, my brain may be shrinking.

I am trying this new thing...Working on looking for the positive in a negative. Now, it is a little difficult to come up with some positives related to my shrinking brain, however the following is my good old college try:

1) The next time I do something outlandishly stupid, I have a legitimate excuse-"I'm sorry, please forgive my stupidity, but my brain is shrinking."

2) If I ever experience brain trauma that results in a brain bleed, there is more room in my skull now and therefore extra area for expansion that those with a normal brain do not have. Normally, time is of the essence to relieve the pressure on the brain and avoid permanent brain damage. With my shrinking brain however, the doctors will have more time. How's that for thinking positive??

3) If my brain shrinks enough, I may actually become eligible for disability benefits.

4) My last and personal favorite positive, there will be many more interesting adjectives available to describe me:

-senseless
-witless
-weak-headed
-addle-pated
-muddle-headed
-doltish
-insensate
-vacant
-dunderheaded
-obtuse

The article explains the loss of gray matter was three times greater in fibromyalgia patients than in normal test subjects. A lovely explanation that adds insult to injury, we sure are a lucky bunch us chronic pain sufferers!

Of course, I'm teasing, but one needs to keep their sense of humour when dealing with WSIB or any worker's compensation board! Laugh or you will go crazy...
Here's to thinking positive,
J

Tribute to Jonathan White--Inspiration in the Least Expected Places

2009-05-11T09:22:00.000-07:00

**Here it is July 21, 2009 and I am very sad, or rather very disturbed about what I have just heard. I have been informed that this fellow-Jonathan White that I wrote about being such an inspiration to those of us with chronic illness, was in fact a hoax.

It is absolutely disgusting that someone would play on the emotions of caring people in an attempt to receive money. On one hand, it was a bit of a relief, simply because my heart just broke for the suffering of this young man. On the other hand I can not believe the things people will do to dupe others out of their money. It's just shameful!!!

He had such a following on Twitter, many people each and everyday supporting him through his supposed illness, myself included. I started following him after I received a message from Demi Moore asking everyone to follow and support Jonathan. This blog post was dedicated to him, his struggles and his strength. I pondered whether to remove this post entirely rather than just add to it. But I believe it is important to leave it simply because of the impact this nonsense could have on those with REAL serious diseases.

If those caring people that gave of their hard-earned money get duped often enough by criminals such as this, perhaps they will think twice about giving in the future in fear that it is yet another hoax. I would like to say I am not surprised but truly I am. You can not go any LOWER than to pull on the heart-strings of people and tell them a tale about a young fellow suffering with brain cancer. Blows my mind it does...I just can't get over how low people will go. WOW is all I can say!

J

Any individual that deals with a chronic health issue day after day realizes just how difficult it is to be positive on their bad days. Most strive every moment for the ability to put everything into perspective based upon the major health problems they must cope with. Today, like most days, my pain is uncontrolled, despite taking enough pain meds to put down a large horse, some days it just doesn't cut it. I'd love to complain but I will not.

Instead I will focus on someone else. Lately, I have found the greatest inspiration on twitter by following a young fellow:@jonthanjay aka Jonathan White. I truly never expected to be so inspired by someone close to 30 years my junior, yet inspire me he has, deeply. Despite living with cancer which is a struggle I also unfortunately know well, his posts NEVER contain complaints. It is rather amazing really, he has every right to complain, yet his posts are always pleasantly upbeat and positive as he truly lives the 'livestrong' mantra.

My last Twitter comment to him was: "I truly marvel at your positive attitude-you are an example to us all.Take care of yourself, I pray for you often."

I pray for this young man several times a day. As the mother of 3 boys, my heart just breaks for his family. He has a list of over 100 things he wants to do before he dies. In my prayers for Jonathan, I pray for a complete recovery so that he may accomplish all on his list and moreI sincerely believe in the power of prayer. Let us all, members of the human race, pray for this young man's full recovery. We need more young people in the world with attitudes like his. All the best to you Jonathan--you and your family will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

A THANK YOU TO ALL THOSE WITH A CHRONIC ILLNESS

2009-05-09T14:19:00.000-07:00

Living with a chronic health issue can be very challenging, which I unfortunately have found out over the last couple of years. The multi-faceted difficulties effect every area of ones life in a primarily negative way. I must say though, I am deeply grateful that my issues occurred at this time in history, when the internet was available. There are so many resources that never would have been accessible only a few short years ago. Information on every aspect from the underlying pathology to support groups to social networking are now available at ones fingertips.

Until I began searching, I had no idea there were so many individuals not only living with chronic health problems but also available to reach out to others in need. Yes, the world can be a pretty nasty place sometimes, filled with suffering and pain, however, just to know others are there caring and dealing with the same problems seems to lighten the heavy burden.

Thank you to all the angels out there that despite their own suffering, take the time out of their day to provide support to their fellow human beings.

Oh How I Miss Nursing

2009-05-08T14:59:00.000-07:00

As a community nurse for almost 20 years, my career choice and my identity basically became fused. That is until the injury. As the days, weeks and months pass me by, I miss it more and more.

I absolutely loved my job. There really is no higher calling or other career choice that has the potential to have such an impact or to make a difference in an individuals' life. As a nurse, I saw people at their most vulnerable. Some were simply recovering from a surgery, some had chronic health issues and some were dying. Even those in the last stages of their lives were rewarding to treat, sad yes and difficult at times, but rewarding. To be able to provide physical, emotional and spiritual care to someone as they pass on is life-changing. It changed me, forever.

I recently entered Smith Magazine, 6 Word Memoirs where you are to basically provide your essence in 6 words. Mine was: "Injured Nurse Disabled and Profoundly Sad." What more can I say? I miss my patients, it makes me sad.

http://www.smithmag.net/sixwords/

See if you can write your memoir in 6 words.

Creative Visualization & The Spoon Theory

2009-05-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

On the days that my ill health gets the best of me, I imagine a place of serenity and do my best to picture myself there. This type of visualization is helpful in controlling the chronic pain I suffer with. Also, one of the best sites on the net for those with chronic illness is: 'But You Don't Look Sick' The site has many great articles and one in particular that I love called "The Spoon Theory." It is useful to explain to others how difficult life with a chronic illness can be. It is written by the site owner Christine Miserandino, and is very well done.

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory/

If you have a chronic illness and/or chronic pain picture your idea of paradise and try creative visualization.

Grieving Over My Missing Gland

2009-05-08T05:31:00.000-07:00

Just a quick thought for the morning, my imparting of wisdom-

ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, DO NOT HAVE YOUR THYROID REMOVED UNTIL YOU HAVE EXHAUSTED EVERY POSSIBLE ALTERNATIVE. It is far too important a gland and when you no longer have it, life becomes a struggle. I have been through hell since mine was removed 4 years ago.

http://thyroid.about.com/

http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/

Till we meet again,

Need Fundraising Plan

2009-05-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

Posting twice in one day....double wow.

I lost my teeth several months ago due to the radiation exposure after cancer treatment and since then, I've hardly eaten and have not left the house...I really need a plan on how to go about getting permanent implants, when I am so poor. I hate these dentures more than I can express and have never used them. I need ideas outside of winning the lottery, well, ok winning the lottery would be great too.

http://www.clearchoice.com/

I need a plan, anyone?
J

Two Days in a Row.....WOW

2009-05-07T07:09:00.000-07:00

I said it would be a few days and yet here I am again. Imagine that. Could not help it as in my last post I spoke of Revenue Canada and my procrastination in contacting them...Guess what happens when you do that? They go ahead and decide where they will get their money and just take it; in this case I will not have a pension again until I am about 95 or so. Ah well, now I don't need to keep the telephone ringer off any longer.

Other than that, it is simply just Thursday with nothing really new except the results of my foolish procrastination. I think I will go visit twitter and read Jann Arden's tweets, she always makes me laugh, a lot! Just love her.

See you soon,
J

The Queen of Procrastination & Jonathan Rhys Meyers

2009-05-06T07:15:00.001-07:00

Every few months or so, I commit to making regular entries to this blog among other things and yet here I am again, procrastinating. What the heck is wrong with me? When I decide to put my mind to something, I keep going with my head down until it is complete. That is not the issue here. Finding the motivation to get started on something is my problem.

For instance, I owe Revenue Canada due to working part time and collecting EI after a lengthy illness. However, EI does not take enough tax off and here I sit with the huge debt, and no idea how I will ever pay it. I do need to call them, but I haven 't yet, simply because I have no clue as to what I could offer them. If WSIB (Workplace Safety and Insurance Board) would pay the $15,000.00 they presently owe me, I could. Gee, I wonder if Revenue Canada could exert some influence on WSIB. Nah, forget that one. I don't think anyone could except the Lord himself. WSIB is operated by lucifer in the flesh, intent on destroying lives like mine.

Recently, as in the last several months, I have been having these odd dreams. Not the passionate, gorgeous man dreams that would be fun. I would rather be dreaming about Jonathan Rhys Meyers-(see photo, OH BABY). They are dreams about my health and employment...In my dreams almost every night; I am healthy, strong and back at work. Then I wake up disappointed when I realize that I will never work as a nurse again due to a workplace injury. It reminds me of when I read Christopher Reeve's book about how he would dream that he was able-bodied after his paralysis. Why do people dream things that can not be? When I wake up I feel even more upset that I am basically stuck in this body that responds as a 90 year olds would. Actually, I know some 90 year olds that are doing better than I.

My procrastinating has gotten the best of me lately as I was at the point where I made up my mind that I would attempt writing as my new career. But, I have done nothing to foster any forward motion. The days, weeks and months just keep flying by without accomplishment. How to pull myself out of this rut has become a burning question. I know disabled people have fulfilled lives. I know it is possible, right? So, where to start...I need to make a living at something that is legal. Sure wish someone had the magic bullet, or simply just a bullet.

Well, the queen of procrastination will at least try to continue updating her blog more regularly. See you in a few months, er ah, I mean a few days.

P.S. I know, I know, this post was about my issues with procrastination and yet there is a picture of Jonathan Rhys Meyers. You can't blame me for that, he is unbelievably easy on the eyes don't you think? Besides, now I have an excuse to look at him whenever I work on my blog. (I really am happily married, but a girl can swoon, er, ah I mean can look can't she?)

The Cruelty of People Regarding John Travolta's Son Jett

2009-01-05T02:52:00.000-08:00

When I first heard of the death of Jett Travolta, the son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston this past week I felt an awful pain in my soul. I don't know them and in fact I have nothing whatsoever in common with them other than also being a parent. I went to his website to offer my condolences. Although they will likely never read it and it will not mean much to them, my heart truly hurt for the pain they are now experiencing.

There is absolutely, truly without a doubt NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING worse that could ever happen to any one of us than to lose a child. It is my greatest fear and I know that if it ever happened to me I would be destroyed beyond repair. This is from where my sympathy arises.
It is just the proof that it matters not how much money you have, whether you are a celebrity or not, dreadfully tragic things can happen to you.

I honestly have never purchased a tabloid in my 42 years on the planet and I NEVER will. I have also never bought in to the idea of putting celebrities up on a pedestal and worshipping them. They are simply people just like us, except they happen to have a job that involves entertaining our sorry asses. In my present ill state, I watch many, many movies and I appreciate the fact that I can be entertained by actors and escape into a different world for a couple of hours.

I for one think they deserve to have a life with privacy and if I had the power, the paparazzi would be outlawed. It is criminal the way they stalk actors. I personally do not understand how they get away with what they do, as they are nothing more than stalkers and most definitely NOT journalists. I would go absolutely crazy if I had them in my face ever step I took and I suspect that for virtually everyone on the planet, if your life was viewed under a microscope each and every day; trust me, you would not enjoy the outcome.

Presently on the internet there are numerous comments on articles, blogs etc. slamming Jett's parents for being scientologists, outright blaming them for his death, so much so that I almost felt sick to my stomach. I am not a scientologist, however, what about: "thou shall not judge" or "Do unto others" mentality? Those poor people have had their hearts ripped wide open and are experiencing the worst pain imaginable, something that I would not wish on my worst enemy. As a person that believes people are inherently good, I am rather astonished at the response of some. How cruel can people be? Well, it even gets worse.

I even saw one blog that said, "So what? This is not news big deal, just because he died. There are millions of kids that die and no one cares about that." Well, to this dreadfully mean individual I do agree with you on one account. Yes, there are many children that die, and each and every one is a tragedy. This is news because they are in the public eye and I would assume that at this point they likely wish that they were not. This will be the most difficult trial they will ever face and they will be forever changed. My heart breaks for anyone that loses a child, whether they are a friend, stranger or celebrity.

Many people are blaming Scientology so much so that Jett's family felt it necessary to release a statement indicating that everything medical and otherwise had been done for him. WHY SHOULD THEY HAVE TO DO THAT? This should be their own private time to grieve for the loss of their son, not to have to worry about what people think. All of you individuals that are taking time out of your day to post cruel comments I suspect that you have no children, or if you do, someone should question you about what type of care you provide your child as I know, any normal parent would feel sympathy for what this poor family is going through. I know I do. For goodness sake, leave these poor people alone in their grief and most importantly, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.

So to John, Kelly & Ella-I am no one special and you do not know me but my hope for you is that you are shielded from the dreadful comments, comforted by the heartfelt ones and that you will find a way to cope with such a terrible loss. Truly my heart breaks for you all. I wish peace for you and you will remain in my thoughts.

The New Year 2009

2009-01-04T02:48:00.000-08:00

I am not really one to make resolutions, and in fact I have never made one. I do however always take stock of the past year and think about just how quickly it has gone. This past year, although a tough one, did seem to go rather quickly. I know it is because I am getting older. Which then brings up the point of how much time I have left. I am not exactly the picture of health and it really saddens me that I have not really accomplished the things I set out to do.

2008 was tough because I lost my identity(I can no longer work as a nurse) and now have absolutely no idea what I am supposed to do with my remaining years. I have however finally made up my mind to enroll in the writing course which I believe I mentioned in my last post. I have read the information over numerous times and think that I will learn something and perhaps it will keep my mind off my pain and my general ill health.

I do have one sort of monkey wrench that came at me on December 26th that I must deal with. My previous landlord, that purchased the house while we were already living in it has served us for small claims court. The worst part is that he owes us approximately 4times the amount he is attempting to sue us for but we decided against it as we are not petty people. I am most upset over the fact that he is trying to sue us for damage to the house, that was ALREADY there when we moved in. It was caused by the previous owners yet he is trying to get money out of us for it. I have several witnesses that know the condition of the house before he purchased it so therefore I know it is frivilous and will likely go no where, it is just the energy and time involved in dealing with this nonsense is something I do not need.

I do not think as long as I live I will ever understand some human beings with their petty, cruel behaviour. Ah well, just another thing to deal with and an awesome way to start the new year off. I will prepare the paperwork rebuttal part of it and my husband will have to attend court to deal with it himself as I could never tolerate sitting all that time.

School goes back tomorrow, hurrayyyyyyyy. I love my son more than anything in this world but he is getting bored now and needs to return and I need some peace and quiet. I can hopefully get back to my novel and officially get started on the writing course. I received my 1200 thread count sheets for my bed and I have a new laptop so what else could I ask for? Life is great, wonderful and awesome, yet it is truly painful and it all out sucks sometimes too. The good old human condition. I don't mind the ups and downs at all really, I just wish I could control my pain better is all. I suppose that is it for today. See you soon.

J

No I did not drop off the face of the earth, although I wish I did

2008-12-31T06:18:00.000-08:00

I do so apologize, it has been a year or so since I wrote and much has happened. I am now pretty much disabled and unable to work as a nurse any longer (a lengthy story in itself). I shall do my best to catch up with hopes that someone will find something of interest in my blog, perhaps encouraging me to continue on.

I have also decided to take a bit of a turn, thanks to my injury and chronic illness. I began writing a regular article for the newspaper and the occasional magazine also. I have now decided to write a book after many false starts. One day I am gung ho to go, next day I read something discouraging about how difficult it is to get published. I have thought about trying self-publishing, however, without an income any longer, I do not have the money in which to do it. So, I have decided to leave it in God's hands. If it is meant to be, it will.

For most of my life, even the bad parts, I have believed that there is a reason for everything, even the negative stuff we all struggle through. So I have to assume that my ill health and inability to continue my nursing career has a reason. It is most difficult some days as I absolutely loved being a nurse. It was the very essence of me, my identity and I feel as though I have literally lost a piece of myself. I loved my job and would have done it for free, to me there is no higher calling than to assist those suffering and vulnerable. However, I shall do my best to move on and assume that it has happened for the greater good. (I must think that way or else I will go crazy).

There have been many devastating events in my life, many of which I have yet to enter here, however something happened a few months ago that almost did me in, and no one was more shocked than I. It truly seems incomprehensible to me that I almost gave up when clearly I have faced much greater challenges than this. I do not know if it was an accumulation over the years or simply an odd synergistic effect between the latest 2 incidences. the treatment are starting to cause some very serious health issues for me. My upper third of both lungs are fibroses

The Hodgkin's lymphoma that I spoke of in an earlier post is just starting to rear it's ugly head. No, it did not come back, rather the side-effects of it did with a roaring vengence. My heart, is also damaged, and my heart rate is now 125 beats per minutes,resting. Normal resting heart rate is between 60-80 for most people, some a bit higher and some lower, however 125 is WAY too quick. No one thus far has been able to determine what the exact issue is. I have damage to my spinal cord from radiation burns and that has caused a very uncomfortable symptom referred to as L'hermitte's sign. It feels like an electric shock when I move my head down.

That in itself is bad enough but believe it or not, it was the teeth, or lack thereof that broke the camel's back, ergo mine. The radiation damage to my teeth and salivary glands caused them to begin crumbling like blue cheese. Pieces literally broke off and became abscessed. After this had happened too many times to count, I decided to have them all removed. BIG BIG BIG mistake! I have not eaten in 4 months(other than nutritional drinks). I just can not get used to the dentures. I hate them, despise them, they hurt, they will not stay in place and they make me look like I just got punched in the mouth. I wish now, that I would not have had them all removed. Did I mention I absolutely hate the dentures? I am only 42 years and now without teeth I look like an 80 year old, which I suppose is rather fitting considering most days I feel like one too.

I did attempt to return to work last year, and although it was tough some days I was managing okay. Unfortunately though, only a few weeks back, I suffered a low back injury for me that ensured I will never work again as a nurse. I don't even want to get into the issues I have had with WSIB, the compensation board for workplace injuries as it only agitates me when I think about it. I will get into it on another day however the only thing I will say now is:their role in my injury is to remain as unmerciful as possible and to make sure that I have to struggle for every cent they decide to pay me. They are most diligent in their efforts to ensure that the injured worker feels beaten down and defeated, like nothing more than a useless piece of garbage. As callous as that may sound it is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

Rather than throw in the towel and completely give up, I have a bit of a plan, for the first time in a while. I am planning to take a writing course in the new year and I am going to do my best to finish my novel. I also hope to derive some inspiration as I plan to continue blogging about my progress. When I first began last year, I did not seem to garner any readers but this time, I am hopeful that will change and if I in fact find some interested readers I will take that to mean I may be on the right track. God I hope I am, because now, due to my health issues, the only thing I am able to do these days is write and read books. So that is basically the condensed version of the past year. I will expand on it and also return to my previous plan of outlining what has occurred in the past to bring me to this moment in time.
See you soon.
J

Off to Nursing School

2007-06-10T13:06:00.000-07:00

Following completion of treatment for Hodgkin's Lymphoma and subsequent recovery I began nursing school. The entire time I wished it were medical school, however I was grateful for the opportunity to find a career in the health care field. I absolutely loved it and the material came very easy to me. I found that I did not need to study often as I just absorbed the information like a sponge. My marks were among the highest in the class and I often emerged from an exam 1st with the highest mark. I am sure that it is the same for any individual, once they find something that interests them, it is like second nature and it all falls into place with very little effort. Although it was not medical school I felt as though I had "found my calling" or was at least looking in the right direction.

I was able to find 2 nursing positions rather quickly after graduation, one on a day surgery floor of a hospital and the other in a long term care type hospital. I had been a stay at home mom prior to this and the freedom I felt started to adversely effect my marriage. I started to wonder if I had done the right thing marrying so young. I loved my children dearly and could not imagine life without them but I so craved a close loving marriage. At the time I did not realize just how much was missing from my marriage as I will explain in a later post.

Be back soon,
J

Such a long story--where do I begin

2007-06-10T03:57:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all on my first entry!

This blog will, for the most part, be about my health struggles post- total thyroidectomy however the years prior to this tell quite a tale as well...So...I will start about 20 years back because as Oprah says, "everyone has a story." This is mine.

I truly realized that to put those difficulties into perspective I would need to outline my entire life story. Nothing, absolutely nothing has been more challenging since the time following my thyroidectomy and if you continue to read all that has occurred it will certainly put it into perspective. The thyroid gland is an essential part of ones body, effecting each and every cell and life without it is more than challenging to say the least. More challenging than all that has occurred in my life thus far, and as you read it may be hard to believe.

I decided to write my manuscript and this blog after recently watching, "The Pursuit of Happyness." I cried, not just a single glistening tear but shoulder shaking sobs. Not only because it was a touching story of human suffering and the spirit to rise above it but because it so closely paralleled my life in many ways. My story however has many other challenges as you will see if you continue to read. Cancer, marital problems, suicide, business failure, rather financial ruin that lead to losing everything, our home, all possessions, even to the point of homelessness and hunger. Many terrible things have happened and I will tell the story step by step. I hope those reading it will enjoy the experience of me purging my soul as much as I will. Actually I am again on sick leave from my job as a community nurse so when I am not napping I will be typing.

I married Paul very young, actually 2 months prior to my 18th birthday. I had my first child at 18 and my second at 20. I was young and foolish as they say and here I was with a 2 year old and a newborn baby, both boys. Little did I know that this marriage would end in a major tragedy one that would rock my soul to it's core and that of my children's forever more. That in itself is a long tale so I will save that story in order to keep this blog in a somewhat sequential order. To begin I suppose the best place would be at the cause of much damage to my body, in particular to my thyroid gland.

I remember the day vividly, the day that started my health problems...it began as a nosebleed that just would not ease. Off to the ear/nose/throat doc to be assessed. As he proceeded to cauterize the vessel he questioned, "how long have you had that lump?" The lump in question was in the middle of my neck and had been there at least a year or so. It did not hurt or bother me in any way so I just ignored it... (P.S. never ignore a lump!) This specialist felt it best to have it removed as he said, "just in case." My family doc said, "you are young and healthy and "I guarantee it is nothing serious."

(Message to my former family doc:Never make a guarantee!) Next thing I knew I was booked for surgery. I must say that there is something very CREEPY about having your throat cut...little did I know it would not be the first time that a surgeon would put a scalpel to my throat. The pathology report took 2 weeks to return and I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. There I was, 21 years old with a 2 year old and a newborn baby and the panic set in. Was I going to die? At the very least I was concerned about how I would manage this situation with 2 small children. My husband at the time was a hard working man but pretty much emotionally absent and I knew that he would never provide the support other than financially. I was however told, "this is the best kind of cancer to have." WHAT??? That statement still gets me going every time I think of it! I suppose they were just trying to make me feel better....

The following month was just a flurry of tests, scans and appointments the worst of which was a lymphangiogram. This involved having needles, actually rather large needles of dye injected between my toes and then incisions to the top of my feet to inject more dye in order to visualize the lymphatic system. This test I must say would be a great torture technique, it caused nightmares for many months and was excruciatingly painful to tolerate. It was then decided that radiation therapy would be the treatment of choice. Oh, if only I could turn back time. Never was I told of long term side effects or what my future would hold. They decided because I was so, "young and healthy" that I would be given a very high dose of radiation, daily for 6 weeks. The result of this "very high dose" was unbelievably painful 2nd and 3rd degree burns on my upper body, lower jaw, chin area and especially severe under the arms, the actual exit point for the rays. That is something I will never forget. The worst part however was that it never occurred to me at the time that these burns were nothing compared to the unseen internal damage that was going on.

I somehow managed to make it through that dreadful time despite many problems. After several months of dark and difficult days I recovered and began to look at life differently. It was then that I decided to enter nursing school. I had always wanted to be a doctor but with 2 small children and just recovering from the treatment I knew that it was not a possibility at this time. I was offered a seat in the Registered Practical Nurse program, free of charge with child care included, how could I refuse? I decided to go for it as medical school just wasn't in the cards for me any longer and I needed to move on and think about the future. I thought that the cancer would be the most difficult thing I would ever face in my life and that I had made it through....how naive of me.

See you soon for the next entry,

Jeannette